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Why did Santa start a gardening business? He wanted to 'sleigh' the lawn!
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What did Santa say to the kid who didn't believe in him? 'I claus to exist!'
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Why did Santa Claus start a band? Because he had the 'sleigh' guitar skills!
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What did Santa say to the misbehaving reindeer? 'You're giving me a claus for concern!'
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Santa Claus gets milk and cookies as a thank-you for delivering presents. If I tried leaving milk and cookies out for the delivery guy, he'd probably file a restraining order. 'Sir, this is UPS, not the North Pole – stop leaving snacks on your doorstep.'
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I tried convincing my friends that I'm Santa Claus's distant relative – you know, the one he doesn't talk about. Turns out, my 'North Pole' is just a freezer full of microwave dinners. 'Santa, if you're listening, send some presents – I've been a good distant relative, I swear!'
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You ever notice how Santa Claus has this magical bag that can fit an infinite number of presents? I can barely pack for a weekend trip without sitting on my suitcase and praying for divine intervention. 'Dear magical bag, please fit one more pair of shoes – it's a holiday emergency!'
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You ever notice how Santa Claus is basically the original Amazon Prime? He delivers all these packages overnight, and you don't even have to pay for shipping. But instead of a tracking number, you get a jolly old man breaking into your house. 'Ho, ho, hold on a second, Santa – where's the doorbell camera when you need it?'
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I tried being like Santa Claus once, making a list and checking it twice. Turns out, 'Naughty or Nice' is a lot more complicated than it sounds. I ended up with a list that looked like a season finale of a reality show. 'Next on Naughty or Nice: The Holiday Showdown!'
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Santa Claus and I have something in common – we both work one magical night a year. The difference is, he gets cookies, and I get stuck with fruitcake. Who decided that fruitcake was an acceptable gift? That's like saying, 'Hey, I care about you, but not enough to give you something edible.'
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Santa Claus wears a big red suit all the time, and no one bats an eye. If I wore a big red suit, people would think I'm auditioning for the role of a tomato in a salad. 'Why is this guy dressed like a vegetable, and where's his sleigh of croutons?'
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Santa Claus has reindeer, and I can barely handle rush hour traffic. Imagine trying to navigate the skies with a team of flying reindeer. I can't even parallel park without a mild panic attack. 'On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer – and for the love of all things holy, someone find me a parking space!'
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Santa Claus is basically a reverse burglar. Instead of breaking into your house and taking things, he breaks in and leaves things. 'Oh no, honey, the living room is a mess – looks like Santa struck again. I told him we're gluten-free, but does he listen?'
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You ever notice how Santa Claus knows when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake? That's a level of surveillance that even the NSA would envy. Santa's basically the original big brother – and he's got a workshop full of elves making sure you're not on the naughty list. I can't even get my friends to respond to a text!
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