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Have you ever tried to have a conversation with a bodybuilder about normal, everyday things? It's like talking to an alien who's trying to understand human customs. "So, how was your weekend?" I ask. And they respond, "Chest day was epic, bro. I benched a car." Really? Because I binge-watched a TV show and felt pretty accomplished. They see everything as an opportunity to flex. "Hey, can you pass me the salt?" I innocently ask. Next thing I know, they're doing tricep dips in the middle of the restaurant, claiming it's a functional movement. Dude, just pass the salt; I don't need a fitness demonstration with my meal.
And don't get me started on their dating advice. "Just lift, bro. Chicks dig it." Yeah, sure, because nothing says romance like a guy grunting in the corner of a gym. I'd rather have a conversation and a good meal, not a flex show and a protein shake.
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So, I decided to join a gym recently. Big mistake. The last time I lifted weights, I think I was lifting a spoon to my mouth. Now, I'm surrounded by these hulking bodybuilders, and I feel like a mouse in a room full of cats. They're grunting, lifting, and sweating like they're auditioning for an action movie, and there's me, struggling to open the locker without getting my fingers caught. And let's talk about the gym culture. They have this unwritten rule that says you're not allowed to make eye contact. Seriously, it's like a staring contest where everyone is a winner if they don't make eye contact. I accidentally glanced at a guy, and he looked at me like I had just insulted his protein shake. Dude, I'm not checking you out; I'm just lost and trying to find the exit.
And then there are those guys who bring gallon-sized water jugs. Are they hydrating or preparing for a desert expedition? I'm over here with my dainty little water bottle, feeling like I brought a knife to a gunfight. But hey, at least I can find my water bottle in my bag without hiring a search party.
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Bodybuilders have their own language, and it's like trying to decipher an ancient manuscript. They throw around terms like "supersets," "macros," and "shredding," and I'm standing there nodding like I understand, but in my head, I'm just thinking about what's for dinner. And have you noticed how they always say they're "bulking up" or "cutting down"? I tried to bulk up once; I ended up looking more like the Michelin Man than Thor. And cutting down? That sounds like a horror movie title. "In a world where carbs are the enemy, one man is on a mission to cut down. Coming soon to a gym near you."
But the best part is the protein talk. They treat protein like it's the elixir of life. "Bro, you need more protein. It's the key to everything." I feel like they believe if they consume enough protein, they'll achieve immortality. Sorry, but no amount of chicken breasts is going to stop the aging process. You can't flex your way out of wrinkles.
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You ever notice how bodybuilders are so into their muscles, they forget to flex their brains? I mean, these guys spend more time sculpting their biceps than I spend figuring out my taxes. I asked one of them about global warming, and he thought I was talking about his protein shake getting too warm. I guess when you're that ripped, the only thing melting is your IQ. And have you seen their diets? It's like they're in a perpetual state of training for a food Olympics that no one else knows about. "Oh, you're having a pizza? That's cute. I'm having a chicken breast, raw eggs, and a side of kale. Just another day in the life of a nutritional superhero." I tried their diet once, but my body rebelled. I swear my stomach growled so loud, even the neighbors heard it and thought there was a hungry bear loose in the neighborhood.
It's like they're on a quest to find the secret potion to eternal youth, and that potion happens to be a mixture of protein powder and kale smoothies. If that's the secret, count me out. I'd rather age gracefully, with a burger in one hand and a remote in the other. At least when I'm old, I'll have some good stories to tell. The only story a bodybuilder has is, "I lifted things, and then I lifted more things.
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