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Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired from all its accomplishments.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
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I told my friends I can make a car without wheels. They were skeptical, but I managed to pull it off.
Einstein and the Lost Sock
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I read about Einstein and how he couldn't find his socks half the time. I thought, if Einstein, the guy who rewrote the laws of physics, struggled with socks, then I'm in good company. My biggest accomplishment this week? Finding matching socks. Nailed it.
Overly Qualified for Monopoly
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I played Monopoly with someone who listed their accomplishments on their resume. They wanted to be the banker because they had experience in finance. I said, Great, I once balanced my checkbook without crying. Let me handle the money.
Accomplishments Anonymous
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I went to a support group for people with too many accomplishments. They were sharing their stories like, Hi, my name is Bob, and I've successfully climbed every mountain on Earth. I raised my hand and said, Hi, I'm here because I once parallel parked on the first try. It's been tough.
The Overachiever's Dilemma
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You ever meet those people who list their accomplishments like it's a grocery list? Oh, I've climbed Mount Everest, swum with sharks, and mastered quantum physics. Meanwhile, I'm over here proud of successfully microwaving leftovers without setting off the smoke alarm.
The Humblebrag Olympics
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Have you ever been in a conversation where someone drops so many accomplishments, you start to feel like you're at the Humblebrag Olympics? Oh, I accidentally won a Nobel Prize while vacationing in the Maldives. Meanwhile, I'm just trying not to trip over my own feet during this conversation.
Life's Participation Trophies
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You know, they say everyone gets a participation trophy in life. I must have missed the ceremony where they handed those out because all I got was a sticker for attending a workshop on time management. Ironic, right?
Grandmaster of Multitasking
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I heard someone say they're a grandmaster at multitasking. Meanwhile, I can barely juggle my morning coffee, phone, and the existential dread of adulting. If multitasking were an Olympic sport, I'd be the person fumbling with the baton in the relay race.
Achievements Unlocked
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I saw someone with a bumper sticker that said, My child is an honor student. I thought, well, my microwave just achieved a level-up by successfully reheating last night's pizza. I'm not saying I'm competitive, but my appliances are starting to brag.
Accomplishments vs. Google Search
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People who list their accomplishments remind me of Google search results – they only show you the highlights. I want to see the Did you mean...? version of their life where they accidentally put their phone in the fridge or walk into a room and forget why.
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