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I've become a hand sanitizer connoisseur. You know you're living in strange times when you're comparing the subtle notes of aloe vera and the undertones of isopropyl alcohol in different brands.
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I've been practicing my social distancing skills for years, but apparently, I've been doing it wrong. Turns out, it's not just about avoiding people; it's also about keeping a safe distance from your own questionable cooking experiments.
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I never thought I'd say this, but I miss the days when the biggest threat to my well-being was hitting my pinky toe on the coffee table. Now I'm out here dodging invisible enemies like I'm in some dystopian video game.
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I was at the grocery store the other day, and I saw a guy wearing a hazmat suit. I thought, "Either he's really paranoid about germs, or he's auditioning for the lead role in the next pandemic blockbuster movie.
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The other day, I was trying to remember where I put my face mask. I spent a good 10 minutes searching for it, only to realize I was already wearing it. That's when you know you've reached the advanced level of pandemic living.
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You ever notice how during a pandemic, all of a sudden, everyone becomes a mathematician? People are calculating the exact 6 feet of distance like they're solving a quadratic equation. I feel like I need a protractor just to buy groceries.
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I've realized that my favorite hobby is now browsing the internet for conspiracy theories about household items. I mean, who knew that the innocent toaster might be plotting against us all along?
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You know, with all the talk about plagues and viruses these days, I've realized that my kitchen sponge might be the original carrier of a deadly civilization-ending disease. I mean, I've had that thing longer than some relationships!
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I've started to miss the days when the only thing contagious in the office was gossip. Now it's like, "Hey, did you hear about Karen? Yeah, she's got a case of the Mondays and a touch of the COVID.
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