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Physical therapists are the guilt trip gurus of the medical world. They have this way of making you feel bad about your own body. They look at you and say, "You need to work on your core strength." And I'm sitting there thinking, "Lady, my core strength is opening a bag of chips without tearing it." They give you that disappointed look when you can't do a certain exercise. It's like they're judging you for not being a gymnast. I went in for a shoulder issue, and suddenly they're asking me if I can do a handstand. I can barely stand on my two feet without wobbling, and they want me to be a circus act.
But you know what's worse? When they use those resistance bands. It's basically a game of tug-of-war, and I'm losing to an inanimate object. I can feel the band judging me, silently whispering, "Is that all you got?" It's like therapy for the band, not me.
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You ever been to a physical therapist? It's like going to the wizard of flexibility. You walk in all stiff and straight, and you leave feeling like a human pretzel. But here's the thing, these physical therapists, they're like ninjas. They sneak up on you when you least expect it. I was lying there, innocently trying to touch my toes, and suddenly, out of nowhere, my therapist comes in and starts bending my leg in ways I didn't even know were possible. I'm just lying there thinking, "Is this a stretching session or a wrestling match?" I swear, they have a black belt in surprise maneuvers.
And then they give you these exercises to do at home. They're like, "Oh, just do this simple stretch every morning." Simple? I need a PhD in yoga to understand these positions. I tried doing one at home, and my cat looked at me like I was having an existential crisis.
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You know, physical therapy is the only place where it's socially acceptable for a stranger to touch you in weird places. They become your personal space invaders, and you're supposed to act like it's normal. There's always that awkward moment when they have to move your limbs for you. They're bending your leg, and you're lying there thinking, "Well, this is a new level of intimacy." I never signed up for a hands-on friendship, but here we are.
And they make you talk during the sessions, as if you can carry on a casual conversation while they're twisting you into a human pretzel. It's like a therapy session for your body and your social skills. I'm just waiting for the day they offer couples' physical therapy. "Come bond with your partner as we stretch you into relationship bliss.
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I don't know if physical therapists go to a secret school where they learn unconventional techniques, but sometimes I question their methods. They'll ask you to do something, and you're lying there wondering if this is a legitimate medical practice or an elaborate prank. I had one therapist who told me to stand on a wobble board. A wobble board! It's like a skateboard without wheels. I felt like I was auditioning for the role of a shaky leaf in a breeze. And then they ask you to balance on one leg with your eyes closed. I don't know what kind of therapy this is, but it feels more like a sobriety test.
And the worst part is when they use those tiny needles for dry needling. They say it helps with muscle pain, but it feels like acupuncture from hell. I'm lying there, trying not to flinch, and the therapist is acting like they're sewing a quilt on my back.
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