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You ever get introduced to someone, and you both do that uncomfortable dance of trying to remember each other's names? It's like a game of human bingo where the prize is not looking like a complete idiot. I met this person at a party, and we did that whole small talk thing. They asked, "What do you do for a living?" I said, "I make memes on the internet." They looked at me like I just confessed to being an alien from a meme planet.
Then there's the classic "Do I hug, handshake, or just nod awkwardly?" dilemma. It's like a multiple-choice question with no right answer. I'm always afraid I'll go in for a hug, and they'll go for a handshake, and suddenly it's a weird dance-off that only happens in my nightmares.
I met a person who said they love "networking events." I don't know about you, but to me, "networking events" sound like a party for robots. I can just imagine them standing around, discussing the latest software updates, and sharing their Wi-Fi passwords.
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Names are tricky, aren't they? I met someone, and within five minutes, I forgot their name. So, I spent the entire conversation avoiding any sentences that required me to use their name. It was like playing conversational Minesweeper. Have you ever met someone with a unique name that you're too afraid to pronounce? You end up doing verbal gymnastics to avoid saying it. "Hey, you! Yeah, you with the name that sounds like a secret code. How's it going?"
I met a person who had one of those names that are impossible to spell. They said, "It's easy, just like it sounds." I Googled it later, and even autocorrect was like, "Are you sure you're spelling this right?" Maybe I should stick to making friends with people named Bob. Nice and simple.
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You ever notice how meeting new people is a lot like playing Russian roulette with your social life? You never know if you're gonna hit it off and become best buds or if you'll be stuck with a conversation so awkward, you start questioning your life choices. I met someone recently who claimed they could communicate with animals. I thought, "Great, finally, someone who can tell my cat to stop judging me every time I eat ice cream straight from the carton." Turns out, they just had a lot of cat memes saved on their phone.
And let's talk about handshakes. The original social distancing tool. You go in for a handshake, they go for a fist bump, and suddenly you're doing this weird, awkward hand-hug-dance. It's like a secret handshake for the socially inept.
I met this guy who introduced himself as a "life coach." I asked him if he could coach me through my laundry because, honestly, my whites have never been whiter, and I feel like that's a life accomplishment.
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First impressions are crucial. I met someone who claimed they could judge a person's character just by their handshake. I guess that makes me a mix between a limp fish and an overenthusiastic octopus. Ever meet someone who gives you a really firm handshake, like they're trying to win a thumb wrestling championship? It's like they're saying, "I'm strong, confident, and I probably crush soda cans for fun." Meanwhile, I'm there thinking, "I just want to type without my hand throbbing for the next hour."
I recently met a person who introduced themselves as a "free spirit." I didn't realize that meant they were free from the burden of punctuality. I waited for them at a coffee shop for an hour, and when they finally arrived, they said, "Time is just a construct, man." Yeah, try explaining that to your boss.
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