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I miss the days when someone said, "I'm feeling a bit under the weather," and you'd reply with a casual, "Hope you feel better soon." Now, that phrase is met with a panic attack and a swift exit, like they just announced they're auditioning for a role in a contagion movie.
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With all the social distancing, I've become an unintentional expert in judging distances. If I can't smell your breath, you're too close. If I can't hear your conversation, you're too far. It's like a weird game of human GPS, where personal space is the destination.
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I went to a restaurant the other day, and instead of the usual specials, the waiter handed me a laminated menu of the latest COVID symptoms. It felt like I was ordering dinner and potentially diagnosing myself at the same time. "I'll have the shortness of breath with a side of loss of taste, please.
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I've realized that the new must-have fashion accessory is not a designer handbag, but a mask that matches your outfit. Forget about color coordination; now we're all about virus protection chic. It's like a runway show, but with a touch of respiratory etiquette.
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I never thought I'd say this, but getting a COVID test has become the modern equivalent of going to the grocery store – it's a routine errand that can either be surprisingly quick or an epic saga that you'll be telling your grandkids about.
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You ever notice how people have become experts at the subtle art of the "Mask Smile"? It's all in the eyes; you can't see the mouth, but those eyes are working overtime to convey, "Hey, I'm smiling under here, and I promise I'm not silently judging your questionable mask choice.
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I've become so accustomed to the new normal that when I see someone in a movie or TV show shaking hands or hugging without a second thought, I shout at the screen, "Do you want to catch something? It's a pandemic out here!
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You know you've been home too long when you start having deep conversations with your pet, discussing the latest news and debating the pros and cons of various vaccine brands. My cat is my new medical advisor – move over, Dr. Fauci!
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Remember when "Quarantine and Chill" was a trendy hashtag? Now it's just a description of my weekend plans – except there's less chilling and more contemplating the meaning of life while binge-watching Netflix.
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