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Let me tell you about the friend zone. It's like the VIP section of rejection. I'm the mayor of the friend zone; I have a key to the city, and the city is my lonely heart. I once asked a girl out, and she said, "You're such a great friend." Great friend? I didn't apply for the position of a great friend; I applied for the position of your significant other. I didn't submit a resume to be the buddy; I submitted one to be the boyfriend!
It's like being in a movie where you audition for the lead role, and they cast you as the guy who dies in the first five minutes. I don't want to be the comic relief; I want to be the romantic lead!
And let's talk about the term "nice guys finish last." I feel like a nice guy trying to finish a marathon, but every time I get close to the finish line, they move it a little farther. Maybe I need to take up jogging, at least that way I'll be used to running away from my problems.
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You know, they say nice guys finish last. And you know what? I'm starting to believe it! I mean, how many times have you held the door open for someone, only to be hit with a "thanks" as if you just asked them for a kidney? I'm a nice guy, okay? But it's like being a nice guy is a full-time job with no benefits. I open doors, I listen to problems, I even say "bless you" when someone sneezes, and what do I get in return? A one-way ticket to the friend zone!
I mean, I'm so nice that if I were a flavor, I'd be vanilla! And don't get me started on the so-called bad boys. They get all the attention. I'm over here holding the door open, and they're out there slamming doors in people's faces, and everyone's like, "Oh, he's so mysterious!"
I've come to the conclusion that being a nice guy is like playing a game of chess in a world that's obsessed with checkers. You make all the right moves, but in the end, you're just a pawn in someone else's game. It's tough being a nice guy; it's like trying to be a unicorn in a world that only believes in horses.
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You ever notice how being a nice guy is a lot like being a smartphone without apps? You're reliable, you're there when people need you, but when they want something exciting, they go for the flashy models. I tried the whole "nice guys finish last" thing, and let me tell you, it's true! I finished so last; I think they were handing out participation trophies for last place, and I still didn't get one. I'm not bitter; I'm just saying, if being nice was a sport, I'd have more participation ribbons than a kindergarten soccer team.
And what's with this whole "girls love bad boys" nonsense? I'm sorry, but I don't want a relationship that feels like I'm auditioning for a crime drama. I want a love story, not a police chase. But no, apparently, holding open a door isn't as thrilling as a high-speed car chase. Who knew?
I'm not saying I'm a saint, but if I were any nicer, I'd be a golden retriever. And you know what? Dogs get more love than nice guys. Maybe I should start fetching sticks and see if that gets me a date.
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Being a nice guy is like having a superpower that nobody's impressed with. I can leap to conclusions in a single bound and have the ability to be overly polite in awkward situations. I'm Captain Considerate, here to save the day with my impeccable manners! I'm so nice; I once apologized to a door for bumping into it. I'm like a walking apology letter. If there were an Olympic event for saying sorry, I'd take home the gold, silver, and bronze.
But you know what? I'm not giving up on being a nice guy. I'm doubling down on it. Because someday, someone will appreciate my kindness, and they'll realize that I'm not just a nice guy; I'm a superhero in the world of dating. Move over, bad boys; Captain Considerate is here to save the day, one polite gesture at a time!
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