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Mitch McConnell has this talent for standing still and looking like a statue. I bet if you put a pigeon on his head, it would be confused about whether to land or fly away in fear of being filibustered.
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Mitch McConnell walks so slowly; I'm convinced he measures his speed in geological eras. By the time he reaches the podium, we've already gone through an entire legislative session in dog years.
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Have you ever noticed that Mitch McConnell's facial expression is like a mix between someone who just smelled something unpleasant and a turtle who's been stuck on its back for too long? I'm not saying he's slow, but even sloths are telling him to pick up the pace.
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Mitch McConnell's smile is so rare; it's like a solar eclipse. When it happens, you just stand there in awe, wondering if it's a sign of good things to come or if he's just trying to remember where he left his car keys.
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You ever notice how Mitch McConnell's speeches sound like a lullaby? It's like he's trying to bore the opposition into a deep sleep so they forget what they were arguing about in the first place. Sneaky, but effective.
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Mitch McConnell's fashion sense is fascinating. I've never seen someone rock the "I just left the golf course and stumbled into Congress" look so effortlessly. I mean, those khakis have seen more political drama than most of us.
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Mitch McConnell's favorite game must be chess because his moves are so calculated and strategic. Either that or he's playing an advanced version of hide-and-seek, and he's been winning for decades.
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Mitch McConnell and a sloth share a lot in common. Both move at a glacial pace, have a laid-back attitude, and if you ask them about progress, they just smile and say, "Slow and steady wins the race... or the election.
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If Mitch McConnell ever wrote a self-help book, I bet the title would be "The Art of the Poker Face: How to Win at Politics Without Anyone Knowing What You're Thinking." It's the only book that comes with a free turtle-neck sweater.
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