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Why did Mitch McConnell bring a ladder to the Senate? He heard the polls were up!
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Why did Mitch McConnell bring a pen to the comedy club? To draw a red line in case the jokes got too close to home!
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Mitch McConnell wanted to join a band, but they said he couldn't handle the filiblues!
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Why did Mitch McConnell become a chef? Because he knows how to filibuster the flavor into every dish!
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Why did Mitch McConnell become a painter? He's an expert at painting himself out of corners!
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Why did Mitch McConnell start a bakery? He wanted to filibake the perfect pie chart!
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Why did Mitch McConnell become a detective? He's an expert at finding loopholes!
Mitch McConnell's Survival Secrets
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You know, Mitch McConnell is like that uncle who knows exactly how to survive everything. Seriously, he's probably the only person who could negotiate a truce between cats and dogs. I mean, if there's anyone who knows how to navigate the political litter box, it's him.
Mitch McConnell's Workout Routine
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I heard Mitch McConnell's workout routine is just nodding his head every time someone suggests bipartisanship. That's how he gets his cardio in for the day. It's like, One nod for unity, two nods for 'Let's delay this bill until next century.'
Mitch McConnell's Telepathy
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Mitch McConnell has this uncanny ability to telepathically communicate with turtles. You see him on TV, and you just know he's silently saying, Don't worry, Mitch Jr., I've got this. Let's make sure nothing gets done.
Mitch McConnell's Retirement Plans
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I bet when Mitch McConnell retires, his idea of relaxing is sitting on a porch, sipping iced tea, and editing history books. Just adding footnotes like, Delay attributed to me. You're welcome, future generations.
Mitch McConnell's Poker Face
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Have you seen Mitch McConnell's poker face? That guy could be playing poker with a deck of Uno cards and still have everyone convinced he's holding a royal flush. He's got that stoic expression that says, I'm not revealing my hand or my emotions... or my plans for the weekend.
Mitch McConnell's Bucket List
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I bet Mitch McConnell's bucket list has just one item: Block everything. I mean, the man’s gotta have dreams, right? It's like he wakes up in the morning and thinks, What's on the agenda today? Oh, right, blocking progress. Same ol', same ol'.
Mitch McConnell's Time Off
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Ever wonder what Mitch McConnell does for fun? I imagine him in his downtime just rearranging the letters in 'bipartisan' to make 'I grip brains.' And we all know he's got quite the grip on Capitol Hill.
Mitch McConnell's Sleep Schedule
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I heard Mitch McConnell sleeps like a baby. You know, waking up every couple of hours to make sure nothing productive is happening in Congress. It's a talent, really, to be able to dream of gridlock.
Mitch McConnell's Secret Talent
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You know Mitch McConnell's secret talent? He can make C-SPAN riveting. It's like he's conducting a symphony of legislative procedures, turning filibusters into blockbuster events. I swear, if C-SPAN ever needs a hype man, he's their guy.
Mitch McConnell's Time Machine
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Mitch McConnell seems like he's been around forever. I wouldn't be surprised if he has a time machine stashed somewhere. You know, he probably goes back in time just to filibuster historical events and delay progress. Sorry, George Washington, your bill on cherry trees will have to wait.
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