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Imagine being the medieval guy assigned to test the castle drawbridge. "Okay, Jerry, give it a try. Just make sure you don't get stuck halfway – we don't have AAA for drawbridges.
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Ever notice how every medieval fantasy movie has that one character who's a skilled archer? I bet back then, archery was the equivalent of being good at Fortnite – everyone wanted to be the hero with the bow, but most were just average and hiding behind the knights.
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The original social distancing must have been the moat around the castle. "Sorry, no entry without a drawbridge and a password. It's not personal; it's just the medieval way of saying, 'Stay away, bub!'
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Medieval castles were like the original fixer-uppers. I imagine there was a medieval HGTV where knights would tour these drafty stone fortresses, and the host would be like, "Well, the moat needs a bit of algae removal, but the dungeon has great potential for a home gym.
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You ever notice how medieval knights had to wear those heavy suits of armor? I mean, we complain about carrying our smartphones in our pockets, but these guys were basically walking around with a full-body cast. No wonder jousting was a slow sport – it wasn't about skill; it was about not tipping over and needing a squire to help you up.
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Knights must have had killer upper body strength from swinging those swords around. Gym bros today think they're tough with their protein shakes, but these guys were downing mead and then slaying dragons. Talk about a hardcore workout.
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Medieval love letters must have been interesting. "My dearest, I long to see thee. I'll be riding my trusty steed to thy castle by fortnight's end. PS: Can you send me the Wi-Fi password?
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You know, we think our grocery shopping is tough, but imagine being a medieval peasant bartering for goods. "I'll trade you two chickens for that sack of grain." And then the merchant replies, "Throw in a turnip, and you've got a deal." It's like the original medieval farmer's market.
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I was reading about medieval medicine the other day. They believed in bloodletting to cure illnesses. Can you imagine going to a doctor now and him saying, "You have a cold? Let me just drain a pint of blood, and you'll be good as new." No thanks, Doc, I'll stick to chicken soup.
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