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Have you ever accidentally butt-dialed someone while having a private conversation? It's like playing Russian Roulette with your phone. One minute, you're discussing the weather, and the next, you've accidentally left a lewd message on your boss's voicemail. Smooth move, Shakespeare.
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The other day, I saw a sign that said, "Caution: Wet Floor." I couldn't help but think, why is it always wet? What happened to "Caution: Recently Mopped Floor"? Are we dealing with a leak or just a particularly enthusiastic janitor with a bucket?
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Let's talk about those self-checkout machines at the grocery store. They act like they're so efficient, but as soon as you try to scan a lewd-shaped vegetable, it's like they're having an existential crisis. "Unexpected item in the bagging area." Yeah, tell me about it.
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I recently tried to impress my date by cooking them a romantic dinner. The recipe called for some sautéed garlic, but my kitchen was all out. So, in a moment of sheer brilliance, I thought, "Why not use that lewd-scented candle I got as a gag gift?" Long story short, my date thought they were in a scene from a questionable romance novel. Note to self: stick to garlic next time.
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You ever notice how your phone's autocorrect can turn a harmless text into something lewd and embarrassing? I just wanted to ask my friend if they wanted to grab some duck for dinner, and my phone insisted on changing it to something I can't even repeat on stage. Thanks, autocorrect, for turning me into a culinary deviant.
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Why is it that when someone says, "I have a dirty mind," we automatically assume they're lewd and naughty? Maybe they just have a really messy room and need a good cleaning service recommendation.
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Dating apps these days are like online shopping. You scroll through profiles like you're browsing for a new pair of shoes. And when it comes to those lewd messages, it's like someone slipping a risqué coupon in your shopping cart. "Buy one, get one awkward encounter free!
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I was at a coffee shop the other day, and they had this lewd-looking latte art. I asked the barista if they were trying to make a statement, and they said, "Oh no, that's just a misguided attempt at a heart." Well, it looked more like an anatomically incorrect potato, but hey, A for effort.
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new vacuum cleaner. It's like, "Check out this suction power!" And don't even get me started on the lewd attachments. I accidentally vacuumed up a sock once; that was a wild ride.
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