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I'm trying to keep up with technology, but it's like trying to catch a greased pig at a carnival. I finally learned what "cloud storage" is. I thought it was some magical place where my files float around, having a grand old time. Turns out, it's just a server farm somewhere. And don't get me started on updates. Every time my phone updates, it's like it went to college and came back with a whole new personality. I'm just here, trying to figure out how to turn on the flashlight!
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I decided to read some self-help books to get my life together. They all have these incredible success stories about people who overcame adversity. But here's the thing, my adversity is trying to fold a fitted sheet. I feel like a failure every time I attempt it. The book says, "Believe in yourself." I'm just hoping to believe that I can find the matching sock in the laundry. I'm not looking for a life transformation; I just want to conquer the fitted sheet!
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I've been trying to improve my cooking skills by watching those fancy cooking shows. You ever notice how calm and collected those chefs are while they're chopping onions? Meanwhile, I'm in my kitchen, crying like I just watched the ending of a Pixar movie. I tried to replicate one of those recipes. The recipe said, "Cook for 30 minutes or until golden brown." Well, mine turned out to be more like "cook until the smoke alarm goes off." I guess I'm learning how to order takeout more efficiently.
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You know, they say you can learn a lot from pets. I recently got a dog, thinking it would teach me responsibility. But you know what I've learned? My dog is a master negotiator. Every time I try to get him to do something, it turns into a negotiation. I tell him to sit, he gives me this look like, "How about I sit halfway? Compromise, right?" I'm learning negotiation skills from a dog! Next thing you know, I'll be trying to strike a deal with the pizza delivery guy.
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