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You know, they love these team-building exercises in the workplace. It's like, "Let's go on a trust-building retreat!" I don't know about you, but the only trust-building I'm doing on a retreat involves not falling off a rope bridge while blindfolded. And then there's the infamous team-building game where you have to catch your coworker as they fall backward. I'm sorry, but if I'm going to trust someone to catch me, they better have more than just good intentions. I need to see some bicep curls and a solid track record of successful catches.
But let's be honest; the only thing these team-building exercises build is an appetite. After a day of trust falls and awkward icebreakers, I'm ready for a team-building exercise called "Let's Go Grab Dinner and Forget About Work.
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Leadership is like a game of Follow the Leader, but nobody knows who the leader is, and everyone's just stumbling around blindly. It's like a company-wide trust fall, but instead of catching us, they're checking if we've updated our TPS reports. And then there's the whole idea of leading by example. My boss says, "Be the change you want to see in the office." So, naturally, I started leaving early on Fridays. Turns out, that wasn't the change they were looking for. Who knew?
I tried to inspire my coworkers with motivational quotes, like, "You miss 100% of the coffee breaks you don't take." Surprisingly, HR didn't find that very motivating, especially when I put it on a banner and hung it in the break room.
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You know, they say leaders are born, not made. Well, I must've missed that memo because I was definitely not born with any leadership skills. My idea of leading is just hoping that someone else takes charge so I can follow. I'm more of a "lead me to the buffet" kind of person. And what's the deal with leadership seminars? They're like, "Step 1: Be confident. Step 2: Inspire others. Step 3: Have a vision." I tried that at my family reunion, and let me tell you, my vision of a harmonious gathering was shattered the moment Uncle Bob started arguing with Aunt Mildred about who makes the best mashed potatoes. Suddenly, I'm not a leader; I'm a referee with a front-row seat to a culinary cage match.
I think the only time I exhibit leadership is when I'm leading my dog around the neighborhood. But even then, it's more like a negotiation. "Do you want to go left? No? Okay, how about right? No? Well, then we're just going to stand here until you decide, Fluffy.
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Have you ever noticed that every boss has their pet peeves? My boss hates it when people are late. I get it; punctuality is crucial. But here's the thing: my boss is the same person who schedules meetings that start at 8:00 AM on a Monday. I mean, come on! I need at least two cups of coffee and a heartfelt pep talk from myself before I can face the week. And what's the deal with office emails? My boss loves sending emails about the importance of concise communication. Meanwhile, the emails are longer than a Shakespearean play. By the time I finish reading one, I've aged a year and forgotten why I opened my inbox in the first place.
But hey, I'm a team player. I decided to take my boss's advice and be more concise. So, instead of writing a detailed report, I sent an email that just said, "Things are good. Stuff's happening. Let me know if you need more info." Surprisingly, that didn't go over well in the next team meeting.
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