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Bedtime with kids is a whole different battlefield. You'd think a Disney bedtime story would be a peaceful experience, right? Wrong! It's like negotiating with tiny dictators. They want one more story, one more song, and heaven forbid you forget to check for monsters under the bed. I tried reading a Disney bedtime story once, and halfway through, my nephew stops me and goes, "Uncle, can we fast forward to the happy ending? I got a bedtime, you know!" I'm over here thinking, "Kid, I'm just trying to survive bedtime without turning into a pumpkin."
And Disney songs are not lullabies. I started humming "Let It Go," thinking it would put my niece to sleep, but nope, she starts belting it out like she's auditioning for The Voice. I'm trying to create a peaceful bedtime atmosphere, and she's turning it into a Disney concert. I'm just waiting for her to request an encore of "Hakuna Matata.
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Being a parent means navigating the Disney dilemma. You try to be responsible and teach your kids about the real world, but then Disney comes in with their talking animals and happily-ever-afters, messing up your parenting game. I tried explaining taxes to my daughter, and she's like, "Dad, does Elsa pay taxes in Arendelle?" Now I'm stuck in a conversation about fictional tax evasion with a seven-year-old. Thanks, Disney. And don't get me started on explaining the concept of waiting in line at the DMV using a Frozen analogy.
Disney also sets unrealistic expectations. My son thinks every animal is secretly a genius, just waiting to break into a musical number. I took him to the zoo, and he's like, "Dad, when do the giraffes start rapping?" I'm just trying to show him real animals, and he's expecting a Zootopia crossover.
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Disney merchandise is a whole different level of madness. You walk into a Disney store, and suddenly your kid needs everything with a character on it. I took my niece to buy a backpack, and she's inspecting it like it's a designer purse. "Does it have enough princesses? Are they in the right order? Does it come with a matching tiara?" And the prices! I swear, Disney charges more for a stuffed animal than some countries charge for a visa. I told my son he could get one toy, and he brings me a Mickey Mouse that costs more than my first car. I'm thinking, "Kid, I love you, but I can't mortgage the house for a plush rodent."
And the worst part? The merchandise doesn't stop at toys. They've got Disney-themed everything. Disney toothpaste, Disney band-aids, Disney broccoli (okay, maybe not broccoli, but you get the point). It's like they're preparing kids for a future where every aspect of their life is sponsored by a cartoon character.
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You ever notice how kids are obsessed with Disney? I mean, it's like they have a secret pact with Mickey Mouse or something. My niece talks to her Elsa doll more than she talks to me. I'm starting to think that doll knows more about her life than I do. And the movies, oh boy! I tried watching a Disney movie with my nephew, and he was so into it. But then they start singing, and you can't understand a word they're saying. It's like they're auditioning for a Broadway musical, and I'm sitting there with subtitles on, thinking, "I just wanted to know if Simba becomes king, not join the Circle of Life karaoke."
Seems like Disney has this magical power to turn kids into little critics. I showed my cousin The Lion King for the first time, and he looks at me and says, "That's it? Where's the Marvel crossover? When does Iron Man fight Scar?" I'm just trying to explain the Circle of Life, and he's asking for the Circle of Avengers.
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