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The obituary section is the only place where you find people reading about death and feeling relieved it's not someone they know. "Phew, dodged that one. Now, back to the crossword.
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I love how news anchors have this serious, concerned look on their faces when they're reporting the news. It's like they're trying to win an Oscar for Best Dramatic Performance in a Breaking News Situation. "And in other news, I spilled coffee on my keyboard this morning. It was tragic.
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Have you ever tried to fold a newspaper back to its original form after reading it? It's like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube blindfolded. I end up just crumpling it into a ball and pretending it's a stress reliever.
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Breaking news flashes on the TV screen, and you drop everything to see what's happening. Turns out it's just a report on the latest avocado shortage. Really? I was expecting Godzilla to be on a rampage or something.
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Newspapers have these tiny, classified ads where people try to sell the weirdest things. "For sale: one slightly used crystal ball – great for predicting lottery numbers and finding lost socks." I mean, who buys this stuff?
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News websites with pop-up ads are like clingy exes. "Hey, I heard you wanted to know about world events, but first, let me tell you about this amazing deal on cat sweaters!" Can I just get my news without a side of impulse purchases?
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The weather section is my favorite. They act like they've cracked the code of the universe with their predictions. "Tomorrow's forecast: partly cloudy with a chance of regret for not bringing an umbrella." It's a 50-50 shot, people!
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You ever notice how newspapers always have these headlines that make you think the world is ending? "Apocalypse Now: Cats and Dogs Living Together!" I just want to read the sports section without fearing a zombie invasion.
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Have you ever noticed how news tickers on TV are like a never-ending stream of existential crisis? "Breaking news: Is your toothpaste secretly plotting against you? Details at 11." I just wanted to watch a sitcom, not question my dental hygiene choices.
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