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Why did Jimmy Carr become a detective? He wanted to solve the case of the missing punchline!
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Why did Jimmy Carr bring a ladder to the comedy club? He wanted to reach the punchline!
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Why did Jimmy Carr become a chef? Because he wanted to roast the competition!
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Why did Jimmy Carr bring a ladder to the bar? Because he heard the drinks were on the house!
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Why did Jimmy Carr go to the bank? To check his balance - and make a few withdrawals of laughter!
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What did Jimmy Carr say when he became a gardener? 'I'm really digging this profession!
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Why did Jimmy Carr bring a ladder to the comedy show? He heard the jokes were over his head!
Jimmy Carr's Cooking Show
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Jimmy Carr's got a cooking show now. The secret ingredient in every recipe? Sarcasm. Just add a pinch of disdain and a sprinkle of passive-aggression. My kitchen has never been so emotionally conflicted.
Jimmy Carr's Dating Advice
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Jimmy Carr's offering dating advice now. He says, If you want to impress someone, just tell them your net worth. So, I tried it. I walked up to someone at a bar and said, Hey, I'm worth about five bucks and a subway gift card. Turns out, Jimmy Carr's advice doesn't work in the real world. Who knew?
Jimmy Carr's Alarm Clock
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Jimmy Carr's alarm clock must be the most brutal thing ever. Instead of waking up to a soothing melody, it just starts with, Good morning, you absolute unit. Time to face the day, you disappointment to your parents. No wonder he's always so sharp; he's been roasted awake every morning.
Jimmy Carr's Parenting Tips
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Jimmy Carr claims to have the best parenting tips. He says, If your kids misbehave, just insult them until they cry. Tried that with my nephew. Now, every time he sees me, he hides behind his mom and says, Is the mean uncle gone? Thanks, Jimmy.
Jimmy Carr's Self-Help Book
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Jimmy Carr wrote a self-help book. The title? How to Love Yourself Even Though You're a Disappointment. Chapter one: Embrace the Awkward Silence – It's the Only Thing You've Mastered.
Jimmy Carr's Weather Forecast
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Jimmy Carr's doing the weather forecast now. Expect scattered showers of disappointment with a 100% chance of sarcasm. I guess I'll be bringing my umbrella and my self-esteem today.
Jimmy Carr's Workout Routine
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Jimmy Carr's workout routine is legendary. Instead of lifting weights, he lifts people's spirits by making fun of them. I tried it at the gym, and now everyone thinks I'm a personal trainer. I call it Roastercise.
Jimmy Carr's Laughter Tax
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You know, Jimmy Carr's got this laughter tax idea. He thinks we should pay a tax based on how much we laugh. I can see it now, IRS agents showing up at comedy clubs with laughter meters, like, Sir, that was a hearty chuckle; that'll be $5. And ma'am, that was just a polite giggle, so you owe us $2.50. I can't wait for the audit when they question my tax deductions for excessive snorting.
Jimmy Carr's Fortune Cookies
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Jimmy Carr's idea for fortune cookies is something else. Instead of uplifting messages, they just contain brutal honesty. Your financial situation will remain unchanged, or Your romantic life needs divine intervention.
Jimmy Carr's GPS for Roasts
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Did you hear about Jimmy Carr's latest venture? He's developing a GPS system, but instead of giving you directions, it just roasts you the entire time. In 500 feet, make a U-turn, you disappointment. Can you imagine getting lost and the GPS saying, Well, looks like we've taken a wrong turn, much like your life choices?
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