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Why is there a hotline for everything nowadays? I saw a sign the other day that said, "24/7 emotional support hotline." I didn't know my emotions kept office hours. I imagine calling them at 3 AM, and someone on the other end just answers, half-asleep, "Yeah, yeah, it's going to be okay. Emotions never sleep, but I do." And then there's the food delivery hotlines. They always promise fast delivery, but by the time the food arrives, I've aged a year. I'm like, "I appreciate the hot food, but can we work on the 'hot' part of the hotline?"
I'm waiting for the day there's a hotline for forgetting where you put your keys. "Hello, yes, I seem to have misplaced my keys again. Can you talk me through finding them?
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You ever notice how the word "hotline" automatically makes something sound important? Like, you could have a hotline for anything, and suddenly it's a big deal. My microwave has a hotline button. I press it, and suddenly my leftovers feel like they're getting VIP treatment. But what's with Drake and his "Hotline Bling"? I mean, the guy made an entire song about a hotline, and all he did was dance in a weird way. If that's what happens when your hotline blings, I don't want anyone calling me. I'd be like, "Hey, don't call me unless you want to see my interpretive dance moves. Spoiler alert: They're not good."
And let's be real, if my hotline is blinging, it's probably just my mom asking why I haven't called her in a week. Sorry, Mom, I've been busy perfecting my hotline dance.
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Ever get a call from someone and they immediately hit you with, "Hey, can I ask you a quick question?" There's nothing quick about those questions. It's like the hotline for trapping you in an unexpected conversation. And then there's the hotline for your friends who call and say, "I'm outside your house." Like, thanks for the heads up. Next time, send a carrier pigeon or something. I'm not always in a state ready for social interaction. I need a hotline to screen unexpected visitors.
Imagine if life had a hotline for when you accidentally like someone's post from five years ago. "Hello, yes, I need immediate damage control assistance. I just double-tapped on a beach photo from 2017.
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You ever call a hotline and get stuck on hold with that annoying hold music? It's like they found the most generic, soul-sucking tunes to play while you wait. I called a customer service hotline the other day, and I swear they were playing elevator music from the '80s. I felt like I was trapped in a time warp between bad hair and questionable fashion choices. And then there's the robot voice that interrupts every 30 seconds, saying, "Your call is important to us." If my call was so important, maybe you could hire more people to answer the phones, and I wouldn't have to listen to this hold music remix.
I want a hotline that entertains me while I wait. Play some stand-up comedy, maybe a little improv. I'd be way more patient if I was laughing while my call was in queue. "Your call is important to us, so here's a joke to pass the time...
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