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Why is it that the alarm clock is always more optimistic about my day than I am? It's like, "Good morning! Ready to conquer the world?" And I'm just thinking, "Can we conquer a few more minutes of sleep first?
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I recently started a diet, and let me tell you, it's going great. I've lost three days already. It's like my fridge is playing hard to get, and I'm stuck in a complicated relationship with a salad.
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Have you ever noticed that the fastest way to clean up your apartment is to invite someone over? Suddenly, you find yourself speed-cleaning like you're in a competition for the "Tidiest Home" gold medal.
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Why do we call it a "shortcut" when it inevitably takes longer? I took one the other day and ended up lost for an hour. I should've called it a "longcut" – the scenic route to confusion.
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Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? It's like we're trying to squeeze the last bit of enthusiasm out of our TV, as if it's about to perform a magic trick.
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I've come to the conclusion that my microwave and I have different definitions of "just a minute." Mine is 60 seconds; the microwave's is an eternity. It's like a time-travel experiment every time I reheat leftovers.
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You ever notice how buying a new computer is like getting married? At first, it's all exciting and fast, but give it a few years, and you're just hoping it doesn't crash on you in the middle of the night.
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Do you ever feel like your phone is judging you with its battery percentage? When it hits 20%, it's like, "Really? You couldn't find a charger?" It's the only time I feel guilty about not being prepared.
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I tried to lose weight, so I bought a skipping rope. Now, I just need to find a way to skip the chocolate aisle at the grocery store. It's like my willpower goes on vacation every time I'm near the sweets.
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