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Have you guys tried those halal food delivery apps? They're like Tinder for your taste buds. Swipe right for biryani, left for sushi. But sometimes, it feels like I'm in a bad relationship with these apps. I order something, and it arrives looking nothing like the picture. It's like ordering a pizza and getting a pancake with tomato sauce. And the tracking feature on these apps is a joke. It's like a suspense thriller. Your food is "preparing," then "out for delivery." I'm on the edge of my seat, wondering if my kebab will make it alive. Will it survive the treacherous journey from the restaurant to my doorstep? I feel like I'm watching a food version of "Mission: Impossible.
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You ever notice how everything is getting a halal version these days? I mean, I walked into a halal grocery store the other day, and they had halal water. Water! I didn't know water could be haram, but apparently, it's been living a sinful life. I'm just waiting for the day I walk into a restaurant and the waiter goes, "Sir, would you like the halal or non-halal air for today?" I'll take the halal air, please, with a side of oxygen prayer beads.
And don't get me started on halal snacks. I bought halal potato chips, and they were so bland. I mean, I know they want to keep it pure, but can we at least add a pinch of salt without offending the snack gods?
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I recently decided to become a halal detective. You know, solving culinary crimes against halal authenticity. My first case was at a kebab stand. I asked the guy, "Is this chicken halal?" He looked at me and said, "Of course, it's halal!" Then I saw him sneaking a peek at a nearby pigeon. Dude, I don't need a detective badge to know that's not a chicken! I carry a magnifying glass to inspect every falafel. If it's not a perfect sphere, I send it straight to falafel jail. It's a tough job, but someone's got to do it. I'm like the Sherlock Holmes of halal, solving mysteries one shawarma at a time.
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So, I tried halal dating recently. You know, where you meet someone, and instead of asking for their number, you ask for their wali's contact information. It's like applying for a relationship with a built-in background check. But the tricky part is impressing the wali. You can't just show up with flowers and chocolates. You need to bring a resume, references, and a PowerPoint presentation on why you're the perfect match. I feel like I'm in a job interview, and the HR manager is a stern auntie with a checklist.
And if the wali approves, congratulations! You've passed the first level of the halal dating game. Now, on to the second level – meeting the extended family. It's like the boss fight of relationships. If you survive the barrage of questions from the aunties and uncles, you might just earn the title of "halal couple.
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