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You know, I was watching one of those horror movies the other day, the kind that's so gory it makes you question your life choices. I mean, who comes up with this stuff? The director must be sitting there thinking, "You know what would be great? More blood, more guts, and maybe throw in a chainsaw for good measure!" I don't get it. They say these movies are for entertainment, but I spend half the time watching through my fingers, trying not to lose my lunch. It's like a culinary adventure gone wrong. "Oh look, that's not tomato sauce; that's the blood of the innocent. Bon appétit!"
I mean, I can handle a suspenseful plot or a good twist, but do we really need close-ups of every severed body part? I bet even surgeons watch these films and go, "Wow, that's a bit much, don't you think?"
And what's with the sound effects? It's like they have a team of Foley artists whose only job is to find the squishiest, most unsettling noises to accompany each gruesome scene. I'm just waiting for them to run out of ideas and start using fruits and vegetables. "Oh no, that's not someone being decapitated; that's just a cantaloupe meeting its tragic end."
I have a suggestion for horror movie directors: why not make a film where the scariest thing that happens is someone forgetting to pay their Wi-Fi bill? I'd watch that. At least then I could relate.
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You know what's scarier than any horror movie or haunted house? Scary stories told by little kids. They have this uncanny ability to make the most mundane things sound like a plot twist from a Stephen King novel. My niece came up to me the other day and said, "You know, if you don't brush your teeth, the Tooth Fairy sends a squad of cavity monsters to haunt your dreams." I swear, I've never flossed so vigorously in my life.
And don't even get me started on the monsters under the bed. According to my nephew, there's a whole civilization down there with a mayor and everything. I imagine them having city council meetings discussing the best strategy for scaring the socks off unsuspecting sleepers.
But the pièce de résistance was when my friend's kid told me, "If you don't finish your vegetables, the broccoli monster will come and eat your dessert while you sleep." I never thought I'd be negotiating with a plate of broccoli, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
So, note to self: When babysitting, always carry a flashlight to fend off potential vegetable monsters. And maybe invest in some dental floss for good measure. Kids are the true masters of horror.
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You ever try making your own Halloween decorations? Yeah, I thought I'd get all crafty and save some money this year. So, I found this DIY tutorial online for making fake blood. Simple enough, right? Well, let me tell you, there's nothing simple about staining your kitchen table with beet juice and corn syrup. My kitchen looked like a crime scene, and not the kind you see on TV – more like the ones they can't show you because it's too gruesome.
And then there's the issue of making realistic-looking body parts. I spent hours shaping and painting them, thinking I was the Michelangelo of fake cadavers. Turns out, I'm more like the preschooler finger-painting of fake cadavers.
My neighbor walked in while I was knee-deep in my DIY horror show. I tried to explain, "It's for Halloween, I swear!" But I don't think she believed me. Now she avoids eye contact, probably worried I'm secretly plotting something sinister.
Lesson learned: Next Halloween, I'm hitting the dollar store for decorations. At least that way, the scariest thing in my house will be the receipt.
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So, my friends convinced me to go to one of those haunted houses last weekend. You know the ones where people dressed as zombies jump out at you, and you scream like you've seen a ghost? Yeah, that one. Now, I thought I was prepared for it. I mean, I watch horror movies; how bad could it be? But let me tell you, nothing prepares you for a guy in a Freddy Krueger mask popping out from behind a fake gravestone.
I walked in all confident, like, "I got this." But the moment someone whispered, "Boo," I transformed into Usain Bolt. I was out of there so fast; I left my dignity behind.
And the worst part is they make you go through in groups. So, not only are you scared out of your mind, but you also have to pretend you're not terrified in front of your friends. "Oh, that chainsaw-wielding maniac? Yeah, I was just thinking of inviting him to brunch sometime."
And why do they have to touch you? I paid for a spooky experience, not a stranger grabbing my shoulder. If I wanted that, I'd just ride the subway during rush hour.
Next time someone suggests a haunted house, I'm going to suggest a cozy night in with a rom-com. At least then, the only thing jumping out at me will be the pizza delivery guy.
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