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Gary's idea of a home-cooked meal is ordering takeout and transferring it to different plates. I went over to his place, and he proudly presented me with his "culinary creation." Buddy, if rearranging sushi on a plate is a skill, I'm the next Gordon Ramsay.
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Gary's social media game is strong... if it was 2008. He's the only person I know who still uses MySpace. I asked him why, and he said, "It's all about keeping that top-eight friendship circle strong." Classic Gary, living in the past.
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You can always count on Gary to have the latest gadgets, but good luck getting him to actually use them. He's got a smartwatch, a smart fridge, a smart thermostat – it's like living in the Jetsons' house. But ask him to send a text, and suddenly he's in the Stone Age.
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Gary is the guy who still uses a flip phone. I asked him about it, and he said it's because he likes to hang up dramatically. You know, with that satisfying click. I swear, it's like he's auditioning for a '90s action movie every time he ends a call.
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You know you're at Gary's house when the Wi-Fi password is longer than the guest list. I asked him if I could use his internet, and he handed me a coded message. I felt like I needed a decoder ring just to binge-watch my favorite show.
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I love Gary, but his voicemail messages sound like he's leaving a message for the FBI. "Hey, it's Gary. You know what to do." No, Gary, I don't know what to do. Should I recite the Pledge of Allegiance or leave my social security number? Help me out here!
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Gary's email signature is longer than a Shakespearean soliloquy. I mean, come on, Gary, we're not writing a novel here. It's just an email, not a dissertation. Does he think he's signing an executive order every time he hits send?
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You ever notice how Gary always insists on giving you directions, even if you've got GPS guiding you? Like, Gary, I appreciate the effort, but my phone isn't trying to take me on some scenic tour of confusion.
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Have you ever borrowed Gary's pen? It's like signing your name with a noodle. I don't know where he finds these pens, but it's like he exclusively shops in the "almost out of ink" aisle.
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