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You ever get that feeling when someone gives you faint praise? Like, "Nice job, I guess." It's the kind of compliment that's so weak it could faint. You're left there wondering, "Was that a compliment or a sympathy clap?" I got a faint praise the other day. Someone said, "You're not as dumb as you look." Thanks? I guess I should put that on my resume. "Not as dumb as he looks – Professional faint-praiser."
I've decided to embrace it. From now on, whenever someone gives me faint praise, I'll just respond with, "Thanks! I try to be as average as possible." It's the perfect defense against faint-hearted compliments.
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You ever notice how people are always saying, "Oh, I'm fainting!" Like, really? Fainting is such a dramatic word. I mean, are you truly fainting or did you just skip breakfast? I've had friends who claim they have a fainting problem, but the only thing they're fainting from is the sight of vegetables. One time, my buddy fainted at the sight of a needle. I told him, "Dude, you're not fainting, you're just having a disagreement with a pointy object!" It's like our bodies have this emergency shutdown mode, and the faint button is conveniently located right next to the panic button.
I imagine a superhero with the power of fainting. Villains would be like, "Oh no, here comes Fainter-Man! Just show him a spider, and he's out cold!
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Have you guys heard about the latest fitness trend? It's called "Fainting Fitness." Yeah, you work out so hard that you faint, and that's considered a successful workout. The gym instructor comes over and says, "Congratulations, you've reached peak faintness!" I tried it once. I was on the treadmill, going full speed, and then I woke up surrounded by people holding protein bars. They said I did the best fainting plank they've ever seen. I'm telling you, it's the only workout where you burn calories and take a nap at the same time.
The hardest part is explaining it to your doctor. "Doc, my fitness routine involves passing out regularly." He looked at me like I was a medical marvel. "Ah, the fainting plank strikes again!
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You know you're faint of heart when you can't handle horror movies. I tried watching a scary movie with a friend who claimed to be tough, but as soon as the music got intense, he fainted. Fainted! I didn't even know that was possible during a movie. I asked him, "Dude, what scared you?" He said, "The anticipation." I guess he's more of a suspense fainter than a horror fainter. Imagine going to a haunted house with him. He'd pass out at the entrance!
I suggested we watch a romantic comedy instead. He said, "No way, those love triangles are too intense!" I guess he's just the fainting type, whether it's love or monsters.
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