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Let's talk desserts. At these fancy places, they present you with a dessert menu that's basically a novella. I'm looking at it like, "I just wanted something sweet, not a bedtime story." And then there's the Chocolate Symphony or the Raspberry Rhapsody – it's like dessert turned into a musical performance. I just want a brownie, not a concerto.
And don't get me started on the size of the desserts. They bring it out on a plate so small you'd think it was made for a Borrower. "Oh, you wanted a slice of cake? Well, here's a crumb. Enjoy!
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You ever notice how waiters at these fancy places talk in this hushed tone, like they're sharing state secrets? It's like they're in a library, not a restaurant. They approach the table like they're about to reveal the cure for the common cold. Waiter leans in and whispers, "Tonight's special is a Pan-Seared Sea Bass with a delicate saffron reduction." And I'm sitting there thinking, "Can you repeat that? I didn't catch the last part, and I definitely didn't catch the fish."
I want a waiter who announces the specials like a game show host. "Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's spectacular special is the Surf and Turf Extravaganza! Can I get a drumroll, please?
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They always have these mysterious sauces that accompany the dishes. I mean, I don't want my dinner to be a game of culinary Clue. "Was it the Béarnaise Sauce in the conservatory with the asparagus?" I asked the waiter, "What's in this sauce?" And he goes, "Oh, it's a secret blend of rare herbs and spices." Yeah, right! That's the same thing they say about KFC, and I'm pretty sure the Colonel wasn't back there whipping up hollandaise.
I'm convinced they're just mixing random things from the kitchen and hoping it turns out magical. "Here, let's toss in some truffle oil, a pinch of unicorn tears, and voilà, you've got our signature mystery sauce.
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You ever been to one of those really expensive restaurants? You know, the kind where they hand you a menu and you start questioning if you accidentally walked into a Shakespeare play? I mean, who needs a glossary to order a meal? Waiter comes over, and I'm trying to be all sophisticated. I'm like, "Yes, I'll have the Quinoa Surprise with a side of Amuse-Bouche confusion, please." And then they bring out this tiny portion that's supposed to be a meal. I'm sitting there wondering if I need a magnifying glass to find my dinner.
And the prices! It's like they charge you per syllable on the menu. "Oh, you ordered the Lobster Linguini? That's $50 for the dish and $20 for the linguistic acrobatics.
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