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They say laughter is the best medicine. Well, my ex-wife must be a doctor because every time she left, she took all the laughter with her. Now my place is like a comedy hospital on life support.
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You know, they say relationships are like fine wine – they get better with time. Well, my ex-wife was more like a bottle of vinegar. The longer it went on, the more it stung!
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Divorce is like a really bad game of Monopoly. You start with love and hope, but eventually, someone ends up with Park Place, and the other person is left with a "Get Out of Jail Free" card – usually, the lawyer's business card.
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My ex-wife used to say I was a control freak. I prefer the term "life enthusiast." I just wanted to enthusiastically control the TV remote and pizza toppings. Is that too much to ask?
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They say time heals all wounds. Well, my ex-wife must be some sort of time-traveling magician because every time I think I'm over it, I suddenly find myself back in the middle of an emotional black hole.
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I recently went to a psychic who told me I'd be meeting someone special soon. Turns out, it was just my ex-wife picking up her stuff she "forgot" at my place. She must have a crystal ball or a tracking device or something.
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Marriage is a lot like a roller coaster. The initial excitement, the ups, the downs, the occasional nausea, and the overwhelming desire to get off the ride. Except with marriage, it's more like getting off at a lawyer's office.
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I recently heard about this new workout routine called the "divorce diet." It's simple – lose half your possessions and all your will to live. The pounds will just melt away.
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Divorce is a lot like a tornado. It starts with a lot of screaming and yelling, and when it's over, someone's missing a trailer. In my case, it was my emotional trailer.
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