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You ever notice how the word "evict" sounds like it should be the name of some futuristic vacuum cleaner? Like, "Introducing the all-new Evict 3000! It not only cleans your carpets but also kicks out unwanted guests." I recently had to deal with an eviction notice. Yeah, I felt like a contestant on a reality show called "Survivor: Apartment Edition." They should have just sent me a torch and a map to find the nearest cardboard box.
You know, eviction notices are so formal. They make it sound like a sophisticated event. "Dear Resident, you are cordially invited to leave the premises." I mean, why not just slide a note under my door saying, "Hey, pack your stuff, we're breaking up"?
But here's the thing, they use this fancy legal language that makes it seem like they're doing you a favor. "Due to non-compliance with the terms of the lease agreement..." Who wrote this, Shakespeare? Just say, "You didn't pay, so now you can't stay."
So, I'm packing my bags, looking like a character from a sad movie montage, and I realize, moving is just paying money to lift heavy things. Can we call it what it is? Expensive weightlifting with emotional baggage.
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You ever try to come up with excuses when you get an eviction notice? It's like brainstorming for the worst improv scene ever. "Yes, officer, I know I didn't pay rent, but hear me out – I was investing in the experience of being broke. It's character development!" And they always have that sympathetic tone, like they're on your side. "We understand times are tough." No, Susan from the leasing office, you don't understand. Times are so tough; I'm considering joining a mariachi band to pay the bills. "La Cucaracha" for rent, anyone?
I thought about telling them my dog ate my rent check, but then I remembered I don't have a dog. So, I went with the classic "I never got the notice." Yeah, because the mailman and I are BFFs who have casual conversations about missing bills.
And then they hit you with the late fees. It's like, "Congratulations on being broke; here's an extra charge!" It's the financial equivalent of rubbing salt in the wound. "Oh, you can't pay rent? How about you try paying more rent!
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Ever notice how moving out during an eviction feels like participating in the worst game show ever? I call it "Wheel of Misfortune." You spin the wheel, and wherever it lands, that's the city you get to be broke in. "Congratulations! You're moving to the land of unemployment and high rent!" The worst part is finding a new place. You go to these apartment viewings, and they make the place sound amazing. "It's a cozy space with a view." Yeah, if you consider the dumpster behind the building a scenic view.
They always ask for references, too. Like, who am I supposed to put down? My former landlord, who just kicked me out? "Oh yeah, he's great. He'll definitely vouch for me.
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I was so bitter about being evicted that I decided to get revenge. Not on the landlord – on my ex-apartment. I left hidden notes in the walls. "If you're reading this, good luck with the plumbing in 2025." Let's see how smug they are when they discover my passive-aggressive time bombs. And then there's the satisfaction of leaving the place a mess. I call it the "reverse Marie Kondo" method. "Does this spark joy? No, but it'll definitely annoy the next tenant."
But the ultimate revenge is leaving without telling them. I want them to wonder where I went, like I was some rent-paying Houdini. "And for my next trick, I will disappear, along with my security deposit!
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