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Emo drops wisdom on marriage, too. He says, "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Isn't that beautiful? I tried it with my wife. Now she's convinced I have a Ph.D. in Annoyology. But let's be real; marriage is like a roller coaster. Emo's just the guy who insists on riding it backward. "Oh, you wanted a calm, predictable ride through life? Let's crank up the chaos and see if you still love me when we're upside down.
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Emo has this deep philosophical side. He says, "I got a dog, and I named him 'Stay.' Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all." Genius, right? I tried that with my cat. Named him "Fetch." Spoiler alert: still waiting for him to bring the ball back. Emo's pets must have a counseling hotline. "Hello, therapist? My owner is Emo Philips. Yeah, the guy who thinks it's funny to confuse me with contradictory commands. Help!
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You ever think about time travel? Yeah, I've been contemplating it lately. So, my buddy Emo Philips, he tells me, "If you could time travel, where would you go?" I said, "Easy, I'd go back to the '80s. Big hair, neon colors, and the birth of the internet - it's a goldmine!" Emo, being Emo, says, "I'd go back to last week, so I could remember where I left my keys." Classic Emo move! But imagine him time-traveling around, his hair getting even more wild with each era. He'd be the only guy in the Renaissance with a mullet, looking like a confused Shakespearean rockstar.
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Emo once said, "I was abducted by aliens. They were so nice. Instead of the whole probing thing, they gave me a dental exam. I think they were just bored up there." Aliens with dental hygiene concerns - who would've thought? If I got abducted, they'd probably look at my teeth and say, "You really need to floss more. And why do you Earthlings eat so much garlic?" Emo's got a friendly bunch of aliens; mine would be the intergalactic dental police.
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