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You ever realize that the snooze button on our alarms is just a way of telling life, "Five more minutes, please. I'm not ready to adult yet." I swear, hitting snooze is the closest thing we have to time travel.
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You ever notice how GPS voices are always so calm and collected? I think they should have an option for a stressed-out GPS voice – "In 500 feet, make a left turn, okay? Or don't, I don't know, it's your life!
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I was thinking about how our smartphones have facial recognition technology, but they still can't recognize my face when I'm trying to take a selfie. It's like, "No, not that angle! Let me look cute for once!
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You ever notice how the autocorrect feature on our phones is like a well-meaning friend with terrible advice? I was trying to type "besties," and it changed it to "beasties." Now I'm wondering if my phone is secretly a hip-hop artist.
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You ever realize that the Wi-Fi symbol looks like a little radio wave pleading for a connection? It's like, "Come on, man, just let me stream one more episode without buffering. I promise I'll be good!
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You ever notice how emojis are like the hieroglyphics of the digital age? I mean, I can send someone a smiling poop emoji, and they get it! But if I sent that to an archaeologist a thousand years from now, they'd probably think we worshipped some kind of happy dung god.
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I recently found out that "emo" is short for emotional. I guess it's like, instead of saying, "Hey, I'm feeling a bit sad today," you just go, "I'm feeling a bit emo." It's like emotional shorthand. Next thing you know, we'll be ordering our feelings like fast food – "Can I get a large happiness with a side of optimism, please?
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I was at a party the other day, and someone mentioned ghosting. I thought they were talking about my Wi-Fi acting up again. Turns out, it's just a modern way of saying, "I'm not interested." Ghosting – because breaking someone's heart is so last season.
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I saw a meme the other day that said, "I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already." I thought, well, I'm on a procrastination diet – I've lost a week and a half. Who needs a gym when you can exercise your ability to avoid responsibility?
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