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You ever notice how salads are the only food that's acceptable to talk smack about while you're eating it? "Oh, look at Mr. Healthy over there with his leafy greens and vinaigrette. Bet he never had a pizza with a side of regret." It's like the salad is judging you for your life choices while you're just trying to enjoy some kale.
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I'm not saying I have a complicated relationship with food, but every time I see a menu, it's like entering into a negotiation. "Okay, Mr. Salad, you win this round, but I'll be back for that burger next time. It's not over; it's just a strategic retreat.
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I tried one of those extreme diets once where you only eat what you can pronounce. Let me tell you, I felt like I was auditioning for a spelling bee every time I went to the grocery store. "Quinoa? Is that even a real word, or did I just summon a nutrition demon into my shopping cart?
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You know you're an adult when your favorite part of a dinner party is the cheese platter. Forget the small talk; let's talk about the brie. It's like a sophisticated game of chess – every move is crucial, and you're just hoping not to get checkmated by a rogue blue cheese.
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I've been trying this new diet where I eat whatever I want, but I just imagine myself eating a salad. It's the ultimate exercise in self-deception. "Ah yes, this double cheeseburger is just a leafy green in disguise, and these fries are just tiny, crunchy croutons. Healthy choices all around!
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They say laughter is the best medicine, but have they tried chocolate? I mean, I've never seen anyone unhappy while eating chocolate. It's like a delicious antidepressant. Forget therapy; I'll take a chocolate bar and call you in the morning.
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Can we talk about portion sizes for a moment? They say a serving size is a handful, but whose hand are we talking about? If I follow that rule, I'll end up with either a mouse-sized meal or a giant burrito that requires two people to lift. It's like Goldilocks trying to find the perfect-sized meal, but instead of porridge, it's pasta.
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I tried to join a cooking class to improve my culinary skills. Little did I know, it was a class on portion control. They handed me a plate with a single cherry tomato and said, "There you go, that's dinner." I thought it was an appetizer, but apparently, it's the main course.
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Ever notice how salad dressing bottles have that little line on the side that says "two tablespoons"? I don't know about you, but my idea of two tablespoons is more like a generous pour. If my salad isn't swimming in dressing, is it even a salad? It's more like a dry garden with a hint of lettuce.
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I recently discovered the art of mindful eating. Apparently, it's about savoring every bite and paying attention to the flavors. So now, when I eat chocolate, I make sure to meditate on every piece. It's not a snack; it's a spiritual journey. "Ohmm... that's a good truffle.
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