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You ever notice how cops can make the most straightforward situation unnecessarily complicated? Like, I got pulled over for going three miles over the speed limit. The cop walks up all serious, and I'm thinking, "Is this a drug bust or a traffic violation? I just want to know if I'm getting a ticket or auditioning for an episode of 'Cops.'
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I've got a friend who thinks he's a detective because he binge-watches crime shows on Netflix. I said, "Dude, just because you can solve a murder in 45 minutes with commercials doesn't mean you're ready to join the force." We don't need Sherlock Holmes; we need someone who can figure out how to change the printer ink at the station.
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I saw a cop the other day trying to use a GPS, and he looked more confused than my grandma trying to set up her Facebook account. I thought, "If he can't navigate with technology, maybe we should give him a compass and a treasure map instead.
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You ever notice how some cops have this intense stare? Like, they're trying to read your mind or something. I'm just waiting for one of them to ask, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" and then add, "And don't lie; I've been taking mind-reading classes.
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I asked a cop if he had any gum, and he handed me a breathalyzer. I said, "Thanks, Officer Minty Fresh, but I was looking for Spearmint, not a sobriety test.
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You know you've encountered a dumb cop when you see him trying to arrest someone on a Segway. I thought, "Is this a police pursuit, or are we witnessing the world's slowest chase scene? Cue the Benny Hill music!
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I asked a cop for directions once, and he started drawing a map on the back of a Dunkin' Donuts napkin. I thought, "Either this is a secret treasure map to the best coffee, or I'm about to embark on an adventure with Officer Dora the Explorer.
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I heard about a cop who mistook a donut for a grenade once. I thought, "Well, that's one way to handle a pastry emergency. Imagine calling for backup because the jelly filling is a potential biohazard.
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I got stopped at a DUI checkpoint, and the cop asked me to walk in a straight line. I said, "Officer, I can't even walk in a straight line when I'm sober. You want me to do it now, after three cups of coffee? Good luck, my friend.
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You ever notice how some cops can be a little, well, "challenged" in the intelligence department? I mean, I once saw a cop trying to open a door with a "push" sign on it for a good five minutes. I thought, "Man, I hope he's not in charge of solving the really tough crimes.
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