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Drew Carey hosts "The Price Is Right," but have you noticed how he never tells us the price of things in real life? I mean, I need that man to follow me around and announce the prices of stuff. Imagine going to a fancy restaurant, and Drew's there like, "That steak dinner? $50. That bottle of water? $10. Your dignity after realizing you can't afford any of this? Priceless." I want him in everyday situations, like when I'm at the grocery store. Drew Carey in the cereal aisle: "You're reaching for the organic granola? $8. The sugary cereal that tastes like childhood? $3. The internal struggle between health and nostalgia? Priceless."
And let's not even talk about dating. Drew Carey as my relationship advisor: "Dinner and a movie? $100. Flowers and chocolates? $50. Realizing you're still single because you can't afford love? Priceless.
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You guys, have you seen Drew Carey lately? I mean, the man's looking fantastic! He's lost so much weight. I'm thinking of starting the "Drew Carey Diet Plan." But here's the thing, I'm pretty sure the first step is not eating anything named "Carey." No Carbs, No Calories, just No Carey! I can imagine him at a restaurant, confused, looking at the menu like, "Do you have anything without Carey in it? How about a salad? Oh, wait, that has 'Ca' in it, never mind." I bet even his friends are careful when they invite him over. "Hey Drew, we're having a barbecue, hope that's okay. We're grilling some chicken and vegetables, but don't worry, no Carey in sight!"
It's like he's on a mission to eliminate his own last name. Next thing you know, he'll legally change it to Drew NoCarey. But seriously, kudos to him for the dedication. I tried his diet once, but I realized it's tough. I mean, I started looking at my friends like, "Are you secretly Carey? You gotta tell me if you're Carey, it's the law!
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I've figured out Drew Carey's secret superpower. It's not just hosting game shows or losing weight; it's his ability to make us laugh without even telling a joke. Have you seen him laugh on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" That man could probably read the phone book, and I'd be rolling on the floor. I mean, I want that kind of power. I tried it once, I grabbed a phone book, started reading names, and my friend was like, "What are you doing?" I said, "I'm doing the Drew Carey, man! Comedy without punchlines!" Spoiler alert: it didn't work. Turns out, you need the charisma of Drew Carey to pull that off.
But seriously, Drew, if you're out there, can you share some of that magic? I've been practicing my Drew Carey laugh, but people just look at me like I need a cough drop. Maybe he's got a secret laugh coach or something. "Step 1: Pretend everything is hilarious. Step 2: Profit!
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Can we talk about how Drew Carey went from the dad bod to the million-dollar look? I mean, I've heard of makeover shows, but this is like a Hollywood blockbuster transformation. He probably went to the plastic surgeon and said, "Doc, I need the 'Show Me the Money' special, throw in the 'Price Is Right' discount!" But seriously, imagine being his old high school friend. You run into him, and you're like, "Drew, is that you?" And he's like, "Yeah, it's me. I upgraded, got the premium package. I'm Drew Carey 2.0 now." I bet his high school reunion was wild. Everyone else is showing baby pictures, and Drew's there with a full PowerPoint presentation of his evolution.
And you know he's got that million-dollar smile now. I can't even afford a dental cleaning, and he's got a smile insured for a million bucks. I tried to get mine insured, but they looked at my teeth and said, "Sir, your smile is more like a 20-dollar gift card.
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