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You ever have a pet goldfish? They say their memory span is like three seconds. I had one once. Named him Bubbles. But let me tell you, Bubbles had the memory of an elephant. If I forgot to feed him, he'd give me this look, like he was planning my demise. One day, I come home, and Bubbles is just floating there, not moving. I panic, thinking, "Oh no, Bubbles has passed on." But then I remember, wait, goldfish have a short memory span. So I grab some fish flakes, tap on the bowl, and suddenly Bubbles is alive, swimming like nothing happened.
I realized my goldfish was like the ghost of the goldfish, playing dead to get my attention. I swear, that fish was pulling some Shakespearean drama. To this day, I can imagine him in the afterlife, swimming around with a little fishy crown, bragging about how he fooled his human.
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I recently had to attend a fish funeral. Yeah, a fish funeral. My friend's kid won a goldfish at a fair, and as you can guess, it had the life expectancy of a mayfly. So, there we are, gathered around the toilet bowl, giving a eulogy for Goldie the Goldfish. Now, I've been to human funerals, and there's a certain decorum you follow. But with a fish funeral, it's like a comedy of errors. We're trying to flush the fish down the toilet, and it's doing circles, refusing to go down. I'm thinking, "Goldie, even in death, you're causing a scene."
Finally, we get it down, and my friend's kid turns to me and says, "Do you think fish go to fish heaven?" I'm standing there, contemplating piscine theology, wondering if there's a heaven with endless streams and seaweed clouds. It's like the fish version of the pearly gates.
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I've decided I have a talent—a strange one. I'm the fish whisperer. I can walk into a room, and fish just stare at me. It's like I'm Aquaman's less cool cousin. I don't know if it's my aura or my fish-attracting pheromones, but they lock eyes with me, and I feel this weird aquatic connection. I went to an aquarium the other day, and all the fish in the tanks swam over to my side. People were looking at me like I was controlling them with my mind. I felt like a fish queen, with my aquatic subjects bowing before me.
I'm thinking of starting a business. Forget dog whisperers; I'll be the fish whisperer. I'll come to your home, stand by your fish tank, and have deep conversations with your guppies. Just imagine, your goldfish sharing its deepest thoughts about the world, and I'll be there translating like some underwater therapist. "Yes, Flounder, I understand, life in a bowl can be tough, but we'll get through it together.
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You ever been on a date that feels like you're at a seafood restaurant, but you're not? I went on this date, and let me tell you, it was like dining in a fish market. The guy was so lifeless, I thought I accidentally stumbled into the set of "The Walking Dead." I mean, seriously, I've seen more animation in a coral reef documentary. We're sitting there, and I'm trying to make conversation, asking about his hobbies, his interests, anything to get a spark going. But nope, I get responses like I'm interviewing a sloth. At one point, I swear I saw a bubble float up from his side of the table, and I thought, "Great, even the fish are gasping for air here!"
I finally figured out why he was acting like a dead fish. Turns out, he thought we were going to a sushi joint, and he was preparing for the worst. Well, buddy, it might not be sushi, but this date is still pretty raw.
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