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I've discovered the latest fad diet, and let me tell you, it's catching on like wildfire. I call it the "De Nial Diet." It's simple – all you have to do is deny the existence of calories, and poof, they magically disappear. I tried it the other day. I was sitting there with a huge slice of chocolate cake, and my friend said, "Do you know how many calories are in that?" I looked at them deadpan and said, "Calories? What calories? This is just air with a cocoa essence."
And let me tell you, folks, it works. I've lost so much weight that my scale sent me a thank-you card. I'm not saying it's healthy, but it's a lot more fun than kale and quinoa.
Of course, my doctor wasn't too thrilled when I told him about my new diet. He said, "You can't just deny the laws of physics." I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Doc, I deny the existence of physics before breakfast."
So, if you're tired of counting calories, just start counting your denials. It's the only diet where self-delusion is the key to success.
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Ever notice how office culture is the breeding ground for "De Nial"? I mean, you could be working on a sinking ship, and someone in the office would say, "No, no, we're just experiencing an aquatic growth spurt." I once had a boss who was the king of office de nials. We could be knee-deep in problems, and he'd call a meeting to discuss the amazing buoyancy of the company. I swear, if he were any more in denial, he'd be running for political office.
And then there's the classic office email: "Due to recent budget cuts, we're all going to have to tighten our belts." Yeah, right. I tighten my belt, and the CEO is buying a new yacht. It's like they're in the denial Olympics – gold medal for convincing themselves everything is fine.
I tried to bring a dose of reality to the office once. I stood up in a meeting and said, "We're in trouble, folks." My colleagues stared at me like I just confessed to being an alien. One guy even whispered, "Who let this guy in from the real world?"
So, if you find yourself in an office of de nials, just nod, smile, and pretend the sinking ship is a luxury cruise liner. It's the only way to survive the corporate sea of delusion.
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You ever notice how people can be in such deep denial? I mean, it's like they've built a whole city around it. I call it "De Nile" – and no, that's not a typo, folks. It's not just a river in Egypt; it's a mental state for some people. I was talking to my friend the other day, and I said, "You know, you really need to face the truth." And they looked at me dead in the eye and said, "What truth? I don't see any truth." I swear, if they were any more in denial, they'd be handing out tourist brochures for De Nile.
I think we all have a friend like that. You could tell them it's raining, and they'd argue, "No, no, those are just liquid sunbeams, cooling us down." It's like they've got a PhD in self-deception.
I tried to give my friend a reality check once, but they bounced it right back to me like a bad check. I said, "You're in denial," and they said, "No, I'm not. Denial is just a word people invented to mess with my tranquility."
So here's my advice: if you ever find yourself in De Nile, build a sandcastle of self-awareness and hope the waves of truth don't wash it away.
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You know, relationships are a tricky thing. There's this phenomenon I like to call "relationship de nials." It's when your partner insists everything is fine, but you can sense the storm brewing in the background. I asked my girlfriend the other day, "Is everything okay?" She looked at me and said, "Of course, everything's fine." But her eyes? They were sending Morse code distress signals. I swear, if I had a translator for relationship de nials, it would say, "Warning: Cold War in progress."
And let's not forget the classic line: "We need to talk." Oh boy, when you hear that, you know you're about to enter the heart of De Nile. It's like the relationship version of crossing the Rubicon – there's no turning back.
I tried to deny the existence of relationship problems once. I bought a giant rug and swept everything under it. But let me tell you, folks, that only works until you trip over the lump in the rug. Then you're face-first in a pile of unresolved issues.
So, the next time your partner says everything's fine, just remember: "Fine" is just another word for "brace yourself, the storm is coming.
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