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The other day, I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children." And I thought, that sounds like a fair trade. But if I have to give up my skepticism, they better be some entertaining children.
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I recently discovered that the quickest way to end a conversation is to say, "Hey, let me tell you about my dream last night." It's like, I don't even want to hear about my own dreams, why would you?
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Why do we call it a "shortcut" when taking the scenic route always turns out to be faster? Maybe the cynics were just trying to keep the best views to themselves.
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Ever notice how we call them "pet peeves"? Like, are we supposed to have a collection of annoying miniature animals running around our heads? "Oh, this is my pet peeve, he gets really loud during phone calls.
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Why is it that when someone tells you there are a billion stars in the sky, you believe them, but if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere, you just have to touch it to be sure? Cynicism meets curiosity, my friends.
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You ever notice that the most suspenseful moment in life is when you're waiting for your phone to stop ringing so you can go back to using it? It's like, whoa, slow down there, Captain Ambition. I was in the middle of scrolling through memes.
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I've come to the conclusion that the person who invented self-checkout lanes at the grocery store was probably just a cynic who got tired of making awkward small talk with cashiers. "Yes, I have my own bags. No, I don't want to donate a dollar to save the endangered toothpick. Just let me scan and go, please.
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I love how we use the word "literally" so liberally. "I'm literally dying of boredom." Really? Because if you were, we'd need a whole different type of entertainment for this evening.
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You ever notice how the snooze button on the alarm clock is the only button we can all find in the dark? It's like our fingertips become navigation experts at 6 AM. But you know, hitting snooze is just the cynic's way of saying, "I don't trust you, Monday. I need a second opinion.
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You know you're an adult when you get excited about a new sponge for the kitchen. It's the little things in life, like a fresh sponge, that make you feel like you have your life together. But deep down, we all know it's just a matter of time before that sponge becomes a symbol of our domestic defeat.
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