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You ever notice how the term "crippled" just sounds so harsh? I mean, if I twist my ankle, I'm not "crippled." I'm just momentarily inconvenienced. But apparently, if your leg has its own agenda and decides to take a break without giving you notice, you're officially "crippled." I tried to be all optimistic about it, though. I started calling myself "limber limps." It's got a nice ring to it, right? Sounds like a dance move or a workout routine. "Come on, everybody, let's get those limber limps going!" I even thought about starting a fitness class for the temporarily impaired. We'd be the most flexible group in town.
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You know, language is a funny thing. The other day, I overheard someone saying, "I burnt my toast, now it's crippled." And I thought, wait a minute, we're comparing toast to people now? That's a bit much. So, I decided to have some fun with it. I went to a restaurant and ordered a well-done steak. When the waiter brought it, I looked at it and said, "Wow, this steak is so crispy, it's practically crippled!" The waiter just stared at me like I was a menu vandalizer. Hey, if my steak can be crispy, then so can I!
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One advantage of being "limber limped" is that you get to play the cripple card whenever you want. Forget about pulling out the race card or the gender card; I've got the cripple card, and it's like having a get-out-of-jail-free card in Monopoly. I was at a long queue once, and I just flashed my crutches. People started parting like the Red Sea. I felt like Moses with a mobility aid. I didn't even have to say anything; they just assumed I had a pressing engagement with a chair. The cripple card – my secret weapon in the battle against waiting in line.
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Being crippled, or as I like to say, "limber limped," has its perks. I can always find a parking spot, right up front. I call it the VIP parking of life. But there's a downside too. People expect me to be really good at wheelchair sports. I went to play wheelchair basketball once, and let me tell you, it's not as easy as it looks. I felt like a giraffe on roller skates. Every time I tried to make a basket, the ball ended up in the lap of the guy in the front row. I told them, "I may be crippled, but my aim is just fine. It's the wheels that need a GPS.
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