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I was thinking about the mysterious origins of the baseball bat. Who was the first person to pick up a stick and say, "You know what this needs? A ball to hit!" I bet that guy was the neighborhood weirdo. His friends were probably playing catch with rocks, and he's over there like, "Guys, guys, trust me, replace the rock with a ball, and it's a game-changer!" And let's not forget the confusion of using baseball bats as a metaphor. People say, "I'll hit you with a baseball bat," but I'm just sitting here wondering, "Are they threatening me or inviting me to a game?" Maybe we should start using other sports equipment for threats. "I'll throw a javelin at you if you don't stop texting me!
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You ever notice how people keep a baseball bat in their car for protection? I mean, are we expecting a sudden zombie apocalypse during our commute? "Hey, traffic is bad, and I'm stressed, but at least I have my trusty baseball bat to fend off the undead at the red light!" And speaking of protection, nothing says "I mean business" like brandishing a baseball bat during an argument. It's like the universal symbol for "I've watched too many action movies, and I'm not afraid to swing this thing!" I bet even therapists have thought about using baseball bats during couples counseling. "Alright, let's work through these issues, and if things get out of hand, I've got a Louisville Slugger under the couch!
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Have you ever thought about the irony of a baseball bat being called a "bat"? I mean, seriously, calling it a bat is like calling a fork a "tiny food rake." It's not even remotely related! I can just imagine the confusion in the animal kingdom when bats started showing up at baseball games. They're hanging upside down, thinking, "What the heck, guys? I thought this was a family reunion!" And then there's the whole concept of a designated hitter. I love how in baseball, they're like, "You know what would make this game better? Letting one guy just hit, and hit really well. The rest of you can just take a nap in the outfield." It's like having a student in a group project who doesn't do anything except show up for the presentation. "Yeah, we did all the work, but Steve here is really good at PowerPoint.
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You ever notice how a baseball bat is the only sports equipment that doubles as a weapon? I mean, you're out there playing a friendly game of baseball, and suddenly you feel like you're auditioning for "The Walking Dead." It's like, "Hey, let's hit a home run and, oh, I don't know, survive the zombie apocalypse, just in case!" And what's with the size of these things? I mean, who decided that a stick needed to be that long? You know someone was sitting there thinking, "Well, we could make it shorter, but where's the fun in that? Let's give people the power to hit a ball into orbit and accidentally break their neighbor's window while we're at it."
I swear, if baseball bats were used in other sports, we'd have golfers teeing off with Louisville Sluggers, and tennis players wielding rackets that could double as medieval swords. Imagine a world where every sport has its own lethal version. "Coming up next, in the heavyweight division of boxing, they'll be duking it out with giant pool noodles!
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