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Let's talk about technology. I love it, but it's like that unreliable friend who promises to show up but never does. I mean, my phone can recognize my face, unlock itself, and order me a pizza just by looking at me. But when I ask Siri for directions, she's like, "Did you mean 'left' or 'right' on Maple Street?" I don't know, Siri, that's why I'm asking you! And don't get me started on autocorrect. It's like having a friend who thinks they're smarter than you. I was texting my friend about a camping trip, and I said, "Let's bring some firewood." Autocorrect changed it to "fireworks." Yeah, because nothing says "peaceful night in the woods" like a surprise fireworks display.
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So, I've been trying this thing called adulting, and let me tell you, it's overrated. They never warned us about the struggles of picking out the right mattress. I mean, what happened to the good old days when a mattress was just something you jumped on for fun? And bills? I thought I'd mastered addition in elementary school, but apparently, I need a PhD in budgeting to figure out why my bank account is always angry at me. "You spent how much on coffee this month?" Well, maybe if coffee didn't taste like a warm hug, I wouldn't be in this predicament.
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You know, I recently had to go through a background check for a new job, and it got me thinking. I mean, who came up with this idea? Some guy sitting in an office one day just said, "You know what would make hiring decisions better? Let's hire a detective to stalk everyone before we hire them!" I mean, they dig up everything. It's like they're auditioning for Sherlock Holmes. They know about that time you stole a candy bar when you were 7. And you thought that was buried deep in your past! They find it and go, "Well, looks like we got a candy kleptomaniac on our hands!"
And then they ask you about it in the interview. "So, we noticed a certain sweet tooth incident in your record..." I'm like, "Listen, if you can't forgive a 7-year-old for stealing a Snickers, how can I trust you with my W-2 forms?
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Grocery shopping is a journey, folks. I always walk in with a list, and I leave with a cart full of things I didn't know I needed. I mean, who decided to put the milk at the back of the store? Is it a test of commitment? "If you can navigate through the cereal aisle without getting Froot Loops, you've earned your milk." And then there's the checkout line. I swear, it's like a game of strategic Tetris trying to fit everything on that tiny conveyor belt. The person behind me is giving me the stink eye because I'm taking too long. I'm sorry, Susan, I didn't realize grocery shopping was an Olympic sport.
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