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I recently had a showdown with my microwave. You ever try to stop the microwave before it beeps? It's like a race against time. I'm in the kitchen, doing my best ninja moves, trying to hit the cancel button before it erupts into that ear-piercing symphony of beeps. And why do microwaves beep so aggressively? It's like they're saying, "Your food is ready, and if you don't get it right now, I'm going to wake up the entire neighborhood!"
I tried to outsmart it once. I opened the door right before the beep, thinking I could ninja my way to silence. But no, the microwave was one step ahead. It beeped anyway, as if to say, "Nice try, human. I will not be silenced."
So, now I just stand there, defeated, wondering why I even bother trying to outsmart a kitchen appliance. The microwave always wins the beep wars.
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Ladies and gentlemen, how's everyone doing tonight? Great to be here! You know, I was recently reflecting on the year 2018. Remember that one? Yeah, it was like the "clean" version of a year. You know, like the "PG" rating of life. I mean, in 2018, the biggest controversy was probably whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not. I miss those simple times, you know? Now, it's like, "Oh, what's the latest global crisis?" Back then, the only crisis I had was deciding between Netflix and Hulu.
And can we talk about social media in 2018? It was all about posting pictures of your food and pretending you were a photographer. Filters were the hottest thing since sliced bread. Now, filters are more advanced than my college degree. I mean, there was a time when the only "canceling" happening was when autocorrect tried to change your text to something embarrassing.
Seems like a lifetime ago. Now, every year is like, "What's the plot twist gonna be?" In 2018, the only plot twist was finding out KFC follows 11 herbs and spices on Twitter. That was scandalous!
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You ever use predictive text on your phone? Yeah, it's like my phone thinks it knows me better than I know myself. I typed "I love" and let it predict the rest. It suggested, "I love it when you get to see the same time as well." What is that, a romantic date with a synchronized watch? My phone's trying to set me up for a rom-com plot that even Hollywood would reject.
And then there are those moments when predictive text turns your innocent messages into something out of a horror movie. I texted my friend, "I'll be there in five minutes," and my phone suggested, "I'll be there in five murders." What the heck, phone? I'm just trying to grab a coffee, not commit a crime spree.
Predictive text nightmares, that's what they are. I typed "I'm on my way," and it suggested, "I'm on my way to the store to buy a new llama." Who needs a llama? What kind of extravagant lifestyle does my phone think I'm living?
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Let's talk about self-checkouts at the grocery store. They're like the rebellious teenagers of the checkout world. They act like they know everything, but when it comes down to it, they're just confusing and make you question your life choices. You ever try to buy alcohol at a self-checkout? It's like going through a CIA interrogation. "Please wait for assistance." Oh great, now I'm being judged by the pimply-faced teenager overseeing the self-checkout area.
And the voice prompts! They're so judgmental. "Unexpected item in the bagging area." Well, excuse me for trying to sneak in that extra candy bar. It's not like I'm smuggling a watermelon under my shirt.
And then there's the existential crisis when it asks if you brought your own bags. "Did I bring my own bags? Am I a responsible adult or just contributing to environmental decay?" It's too much pressure for a Tuesday evening grocery run.
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