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Joke Types
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Why did the vampire get in trouble with his boss? He was caught sucking up to customers!
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Why did the vampire get a job in customer service? He was great at de-fanging complaints!
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Why did the vampire start knitting? He wanted to make himself a blood cozy!
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Why did the vampire become a vegetarian? He wanted a bite of a beet instead!
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Why did the vampire get a job as a computer programmer? Because he was great at debugging!
Vampire Breakup Therapy
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Breaking up with a vampire is tricky. You can't just say, It's not you, it's me. No, you have to be like, It's not you, it's the eternal darkness and your penchant for nocturnal snacking. I need sunlight and midnight snacks that don't involve blood.
Vampire Dentist Woes
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I went to a vampire dentist recently. He kept telling me to floss with silver threads and avoid garlic toothpaste. I said, Doc, I just want a regular cleaning, not a dental plan for immortality. And by the way, could you stop hissing every time you find a cavity?
Vampire Barista Woes
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I visited a vampire barista the other day. I ordered a cappuccino, and he goes, Would you like that with a side of O-negative? I said, No thanks, just give me a regular latte. And can you make it to go? I don't want to turn into a pumpkin when the sun comes up.
Vampires on Tinder
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Ever seen a vampire on Tinder? Swipe left, my friends. Their bio usually says, I enjoy long walks in the moonlight, candlelit dinners (with a blood bag on the side), and I'm looking for someone to share eternity with. Must not be a morning person.
Vampire Real Estate
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Vampires must have a tough time in real estate. The agent shows them a nice castle with a view, and they're like, Can you check if it has a basement with no windows? I'm not really a 'sunrise over the mountains' kind of person.
Bite Me Once, Shame on You
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You know, I dated a vampire once. Thought it would be all mysterious and romantic, but turns out, he just wanted to suck the life out of our relationship. I told him, Bite me once, shame on you. Bite me twice, and I'm investing in garlic and a wooden stake.
Vampire Stand-Up Comedy
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Imagine a vampire doing stand-up comedy. I was out hunting last night, and this guy tried to run away. I said, 'Dude, I move faster than Amazon Prime delivery. You're not escaping me!' By the way, why do they call it 'steak' when there's no blood?
Vampire Therapy Sessions
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I tried couples therapy with my vampire ex. The therapist suggested we find common interests. I said, Well, he likes dark castles and necks, and I like brunch and sunlight. Any ideas? The therapist just stared at us and muttered, This is beyond my pay grade.
Vampire GPS
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Vampires need their own GPS system. Regular GPS says, Turn right in 500 feet. Vampire GPS would be like, Turn right before the sunrise, or you'll burst into flames. Also, watch out for garlic fields on your left. Eternal damnation awaits.
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