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You ever go to someone's house and it's like a trophy parade in there? Trophies for everything – spelling bees, little league, the annual family monopoly championship. I walked into my friend's place, and I felt like I was in the Smithsonian of mediocrity. I asked him about one trophy, and he goes, "Oh, that one? That's for 'Best Napper' in college." I didn't even know that was a category! Now, I'm thinking about my own college days, and I definitely would've won the "Most Creative Excuse for Missing Class" trophy. I was an artist with those.
But seriously, it's gotten to the point where people are getting trophies for things that aren't even competitions. I'm waiting for the day I get a trophy for "Successfully Assembling IKEA Furniture." Now that's an accomplishment. If you've ever put together an IKEA dresser without losing a screw or your sanity, you deserve a gold-plated trophy.
I just want a trophy that says, "Congratulations, you adulted today without setting anything on fire." That's a real achievement.
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You ever try to have the "trophy talk" with your parents? You know, the one where you ask them why you didn't get more trophies as a kid? I sat my mom down and said, "Mom, how come I didn't get a trophy for being the most improved at eating vegetables?" She looked at me like I'd lost my mind. But really, where are the trophies for life skills? I want a trophy for "Mastering the Art of Parallel Parking." That took years of practice.
And then there's the workplace. We have these team-building exercises, and I think we should get trophies for surviving them. "Congratulations, you didn't roll your eyes during the trust fall exercise. Here's your trophy." I'd display that proudly on my desk.
But hey, in the end, maybe we're all winners because we survived childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood with a sense of humor. And that, my friends, is the trophy we should all be proud of. The "I Can Laugh at Life" trophy – no shelf space required.
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You ever notice how trophies are like the participation medals of the adult world? I mean, when I was a kid, getting a trophy meant you were the MVP, the champion, the king of the playground. Now, as an adult, I get a trophy for just showing up to work. I got this trophy the other day, and I'm looking at it, thinking, "What did I do to deserve this?" It turns out it was for "Outstanding Attendance." Really? I just didn't take a sick day for a year, and now I'm getting a trophy? I should get a trophy for not losing my mind dealing with Karen in accounting. That's an accomplishment.
And then there's the size of these trophies. I mean, they're smaller than my coffee mug. I can't put that on the shelf next to my high school soccer trophy. It's like, "Congratulations, you managed not to call in sick for a year. Here's a tiny trophy to prove it." It's the size of my self-esteem after a Monday morning meeting.
So now, I've got this collection of participation trophies on my shelf, and I'm thinking of starting a support group. We can all sit around and talk about the good old days when trophies were for winners, not just for making it through another day without pulling our hair out.
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Do you ever get trophy envy? You know, you see someone else's trophy, and suddenly your own achievements feel a little lackluster. I was at my friend's place, and he had this massive trophy for "World's Best Dad." I thought, "Well, my kids never gave me a trophy. Should I be concerned?" I mean, I've changed diapers, survived sleepless nights, and mastered the art of making dinosaur-shaped pancakes. Where's my trophy? I want a trophy that says, "Survived Teenage Hormones Without Losing My Mind." That's the real MVP trophy.
And then there are those participation trophies that just make you question life. I got one that said, "Participant – Annual Office Karaoke Contest." I can't sing, but apparently, I participated. I'm pretty sure the judges were just being polite, like, "Well, he didn't break any glass, so let's give him something."
So now, I'm on a quest for the ultimate trophy – one that says, "Managed to Find Matching Socks Every Day for a Month." Now that's an achievement worth celebrating.
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