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You ever try taking a cold shower in the summer? It's like trying to baptize yourself in a shot glass. You turn that knob all the way to the left, and the water comes out lukewarm, like it's trying to play it cool. You're standing there, expecting a refreshing arctic blast, but nope, you get a tepid trickle. And let's talk about summer fashion. People are walking around in shorts and flip-flops like they're on a permanent beach vacation. I tried wearing shorts once, and my legs looked like two pieces of uncooked spaghetti. I realized I'm more of a winter wardrobe kind of person. I need layers to cover up my lack of summer body preparation.
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You ever notice how summer is like that one friend who just doesn't know when to leave? I mean, it's all fun and games in the beginning. You're excited, you're making plans, but then it just overstays its welcome. I'm telling you, summer is that guest who turns your house into an oven. I was walking outside the other day, and I felt like I was in a slow-cooking pot roast. It's so hot; I saw a squirrel putting sunscreen on his nuts. I'm out there sweating like a politician taking a lie detector test. And don't get me started on the struggle of trying to sleep when it's too hot. You toss, you turn, you stick one leg out, then the other. It's like you're doing the Macarena, but it's the Insomnia Edition.
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I went to a picnic last week, and it was so hot that the potato salad started sweating. I mean, who knew mayo could perspire? I saw a fly take one look at the deviled eggs and pass out from heatstroke. But you know, despite the heat, we're all out there trying to look cool. Sunglasses on, sipping our iced coffees, pretending we're not melting like popsicles in the sun. It's like a collective act of denial. We're the only species that willingly goes outside when the weather report says, "It feels like the surface of the sun." We're like, "Sure, why not? Let's barbecue in an active volcano while we're at it."
And that's when you know it's too hot – when your idea of a cool day involves standing in front of an open freezer, contemplating whether you can fit inside. Stay cool out there, folks!
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You know it's too hot when you sit on your leather car seats, and it feels like you've just entered the ninth circle of hell. I got in my car the other day, and my steering wheel was so hot; I felt like I was driving a barbecue. I had to use oven mitts just to make a U-turn. And what's up with the air conditioning in cars? It's either too weak, and you're sweating like you're in a sauna, or it's too strong, and you're shivering like you're in the Arctic. There's no in-between. I'm driving down the street, adjusting the temperature every five seconds like I'm playing a DJ set for penguins.
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