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The food at theme parks is on another level. I had a corn dog the other day that was so greasy; I'm pretty sure it could have been used to lubricate a rusty door hinge. Forget thrill rides; the real adventure is navigating the digestive roller coaster afterward.
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Theme park mascots are something else. You know it's a tough job when you have to entertain kids while wearing a giant, sweaty costume in the scorching sun. I bet inside those costumes, it's like a sauna on steroids. Suddenly, being Mickey Mouse seems less magical.
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Have you ever been on a theme park water ride and tried to avoid that one person who thinks the water is a substitute for a shower? It's like a soggy game of hide and seek. Good luck finding a dry spot in the splash zone.
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The moment you enter a theme park, your wallet starts shedding tears faster than you shed tears on a roller coaster. It's like they charge you an entrance fee, and then each ride requires a mortgage payment. Is it just me, or are they selling happiness at a premium?
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You ever notice how theme parks are like the only place on Earth where waiting in line for an hour is considered a legitimate form of entertainment? I mean, if I tried that at the grocery store, people would think I'm auditioning for a part in a patience documentary.
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The souvenir shops at theme parks are like a black hole for money. You walk in for a keychain, and suddenly you're leaving with a life-sized stuffed giraffe, a neon fanny pack, and a T-shirt that says, "I survived the restroom queues.
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Theme park rides have the audacity to call themselves "thrilling experiences." Yeah, thrilling if you find suspense in wondering if the person next to you had a hearty lunch before hopping on the roller coaster. Suddenly that loop becomes a lot more suspenseful.
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Theme park restrooms are a peculiar experience. You've got the constant hum of hand dryers, the echoing cries of kids who've lost their parents, and a line that makes you question if you've accidentally stumbled into a portal to another dimension.
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Ever notice how every theme park map makes the park look like it's the size of a postage stamp? You walk in thinking you're embarking on a grand adventure, but by the time you've circled the park three times looking for the bathroom, you're convinced you've entered a maze designed by prankster architects.
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Theme park photos are a special kind of deception. You buy that snapshot of you and your friends on the roller coaster, but it conveniently leaves out the part where you were screaming like a banshee and clutching your stomach like you just discovered the secret to time travel. It's like Instagram, but in 3D and with more motion sickness.
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