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I decided to get fit recently, you know, join the gym. But here's the thing about gyms - they're full of fit people. I walk in there, and it's like entering a lion's den, but instead of lions, it's people lifting weights that I didn't even know existed. What is a kettlebell, and why does it look like it's judging me? And let's talk about workout classes. I went to a spin class, thinking it would be a fun way to burn some calories. The instructor is yelling at us, "Come on, feel the burn!" And all I'm feeling is the burn in my legs and regret in my soul. I just want a workout class where the most strenuous activity is deciding which Netflix show to watch while on the treadmill.
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Anyone else feel like they're in the Olympics when they go to the grocery store? I mean, the challenge begins as soon as you grab a cart. Is it going to be the one with the wobbly wheel that takes you on a spontaneous sprint through the produce section? Or maybe it's the one with a mind of its own, constantly veering to the left, making you look like you've had one too many drinks. And then there's the checkout line. It's like a speed run trying to unload your items before the cashier finishes scanning the person in front of you. I'm there, throwing cans and vegetables like it's a high-stakes game of Tetris. "Come on, come on, I can fit one more baguette in there!" It's the only time I feel a sense of accomplishment for buying groceries.
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Social media is like a highlight reel of everyone's lives. You scroll through Instagram, and it's just people on exotic vacations, eating gourmet meals, and looking like they stepped out of a fashion magazine. Meanwhile, I'm here in my pajamas, eating cereal for dinner, wondering if I can post a selfie with the caption, "Living my best couch potato life." And don't even get me started on online arguments. It's like a battlefield where the only weapons are poorly spelled insults and passive-aggressive emojis. I got into an argument on Facebook the other day, and someone responded with a thumbs-down emoji. A thumbs-down! I didn't know we were still in elementary school giving out disapproval stickers.
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You ever notice how technology has a way of turning on us when we need it the most? I mean, my phone is like that one friend who's never there when you need them. You know, you're in the middle of a heated argument on a group chat, and suddenly your phone's like, "You know what? I need a break. Good luck without me!" I'm just standing there like, "No, wait, we were winning the argument! Come back!" And don't get me started on autocorrect. I was texting my friend the other day, and I meant to say, "I'll be there in a sec." But autocorrect had other plans. It changed it to, "I'll be there in a sex." Great, now my friend thinks I'm not just late, but I'm bringing a whole new level of commitment to our hangout.
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