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You ever meet someone who overthinks everything? I have a friend who can't order food without turning it into a mental gymnastics routine. "If I get the burger, I'll regret not trying the pasta. But if I get the pasta, I'll wonder if the burger was better. Maybe I should flip a coin? No, that's too simple. Rock-paper-scissors, but what if scissors represent salad?!" I overthink things too. Like, I can't send a simple text without analyzing it like I'm decoding the Da Vinci Code. "Should I use an exclamation mark or will that seem too enthusiastic? Is 'lol' too casual for a funeral invitation?" It's like I'm planning a diplomatic treaty with my phone.
And don't even get me started on choosing profile pictures. It's a battle between looking attractive and looking like you're not trying too hard. And after hours of contemplation, you end up with a selfie that screams, "I woke up like this," even though it took 47 tries and a strategic use of filters.
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We've all heard of superheroes with cool powers, right? But what about an ultra-specific superhero? Like, "Captain Paper Cut" - able to give you a tiny, annoying cut at will. Or "The Human Shazam" - transforms into a traffic cone whenever there's construction nearby. And imagine a hero with the power of extreme specificity. "The Detailer" - fights crime by describing it in excruciating detail. "I see the suspect, wearing a black hoodie, jeans with a slight fade, left shoe slightly scuffed, and oh, he just jaywalked! Call for backup!"
I even came up with my own superhero persona - "Captain Procrastination." My superpower is putting off fighting crime until tomorrow. The villains are like, "Is he coming?" And I'm like, "Yeah, just give me a sec, I'll save the day... eventually.
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You know what's tough? Finding your niche in life. My buddy is so niche, he collects rare, ancient coins. I asked him, "How do you even find those?" He said, "Oh, you know, just hang out at ancient coin conventions." Yeah, because those are happening on every street corner! I tried finding my niche too. I thought about collecting something unique, like expired food labels. But imagine explaining that to people: "Oh, this? It's my prized collection of soup can expiration dates. The older, the better!"
And then there are those hyper-specific job titles. I met a guy who's a "Professional Lego Model Designer." Really? I spent my childhood building Lego houses; where was my guidance counselor then? "You could be an architect, or you could get paid to play with toys. Your call.
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You ever notice how specific people can be? I mean, I asked my friend what kind of movie he wanted to watch, and he goes, "I'm in the mood for something specific." Well, thank you, Captain Vague! Specific about what? The color grading of the film? The number of extras in the background? I went to a restaurant with a friend who's on this crazy specific diet. He tells the waiter, "I'll have the salad, but hold the lettuce, add kale, but only if it's organically grown in the southern hemisphere during a full moon." Dude, you're not ordering a salad; you're summoning a salad spirit!
My girlfriend is the queen of specific directions. She's like, "Babe, grab the thing from the thing in the place." Oh, sure, let me just use my psychic powers to decipher that treasure map of instructions. Spoiler alert: I usually bring back the wrong thing.
And don't get me started on GPS voices. "In 500 feet, turn left." I need more details, Karen! Is there a Starbucks at that left turn? Are there any potholes? Is there a guy holding a sign saying, "Wrong way, idiot"? I need specifics!
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