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You know you're getting old when you start incorporating Spanish phrases into your everyday vocabulary, but you're not entirely sure if you're using them correctly. I told someone "No problemo" the other day, and they looked at me like I just recited Shakespeare in Klingon.
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I went to a Spanish restaurant the other day, and the waiter asked me if I wanted my salsa mild, medium, or hot. I said, "Surprise me." Now, I'm convinced I accidentally ordered a flamethrower. My taste buds are still recovering.
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You ever notice how ordering food in Spanish automatically makes it sound more exotic? I mean, in English, I'm just ordering a sandwich, but in Spanish, suddenly it's a "bocadillo," and I feel like I should be eating it on a beach in the Mediterranean.
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Spanish grandmothers have a magical ability to make you feel guilty about anything. You could accidentally step on their toe, and suddenly you're the villain in a telenovela. "Ah, mi nieto, the toe crusher, destroyer of metatarsals!
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I tried salsa dancing once. Key word: tried. I thought I was killing it on the dance floor, but my partner looked at me like I was doing a weird interpretative dance to Morse code. Apparently, "left foot, right foot" doesn't translate well into "izquierda, derecha.
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Ever notice how everything sounds more romantic in Spanish? You could be ordering a burrito, and it sounds like you're composing a love poem. "I'll take the carne asada with extra queso, por favor." See, even my food orders are smoother in Spanish.
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Why is it that Spanish moms have a sixth sense for knowing when you're not eating enough? You could be on a strict diet, but the moment you enter her house, it's like she's been monitoring your calorie intake through a secret surveillance system.
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Learning Spanish insults is a dangerous game. You think you're just expanding your language skills, and suddenly you find yourself unintentionally challenging someone to a duel. "Did I just call your abuela a fire-breathing dragon? Oops, lost in translation.
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I was trying to learn Spanish, you know, expand my horizons. But why is it that every time I try to roll my "Rs," I sound less like a suave Spanish speaker and more like I'm imitating a chainsaw?
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