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Kevin fancies himself a relationship guru. He once gave me advice on love, and I thought, "This should be interesting." He said, "The key to a happy relationship is honesty." I thought, "Okay, that's solid advice." Then he continued, "So, I always tell my girlfriend about my imaginary ex-girlfriend. Keeps things interesting." Kevin, that's not honesty; that's a plot twist no one signed up for! And his idea of a romantic gesture? He once bought his girlfriend a plunger for Valentine's Day because, according to him, it symbolizes the unblocking of their love. I asked her, "What did you get him?" She said, "A one-way ticket to singlehood.
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Hey, everyone! So, I've got this friend, someone named Kevin. You know, every group has a Kevin. And if you're sitting there thinking, "I don't know a Kevin," well, guess what? You're the Kevin! We all know a Kevin; we just might not admit it. Now, Kevin is like the Sherlock Holmes of bad decisions. I mean, the guy once tried to microwave a metal fork because he wanted to see if it would spark. Spoiler alert: It did. I walked into his kitchen, and it looked like a Fourth of July celebration. I asked him, "Kevin, what happened?" And he just goes, "Science, my friend. Science."
I swear, if there's a wrong way to do something, Kevin will find it. It's like he has a sixth sense for bad ideas. He's not a person; he's a cautionary tale.
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Let me tell you about Kevin's texting etiquette. Or should I say, lack thereof? You know how people type "LOL" even when they're not really laughing out loud? Well, Kevin takes it to a whole new level. He sends "ROFL" when, in reality, he's probably just sitting on the couch. I asked him, "Kevin, are you really rolling on the floor laughing?" And he goes, "Nah, man, it's just an expression." I'm like, "Kevin, that's not an expression; that's a yoga pose!"
And don't get me started on his use of emojis. He once sent me a breakup text with a thumbs up emoji. A thumbs up! I didn't know if I should be heartbroken or applaud his courage. Kevin, if you're listening, emojis are not emotional punctuation marks!
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Kevin thinks he's a master chef. You know those people who watch one episode of a cooking show and suddenly believe they're Gordon Ramsay? That's Kevin. He invited me over for dinner once, and I was expecting a disaster. Lo and behold, he served me spaghetti with ketchup. I asked, "Kevin, where's the sauce?" And he goes, "Dude, ketchup is the sauce." No, Kevin, ketchup is not the sauce; it's a cry for help! He even tried making a cake once but forgot the flour. It was like trying to eat a sweetened rubber tire. I told him, "Kevin, stick to the basics. Boiling water is an achievement for you!
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