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You ever been on a small boat? I mean, not a yacht or a cruise ship, but a tiny boat that makes you question your life choices. I recently had the pleasure, or should I say, the "adventure" of being on this minuscule vessel. I swear, it was so small, I had to choose between bringing a cooler or my dignity. Spoiler alert: dignity lost. So there I am, bobbing on the waves like a fishing bobber, holding on for dear life. It's like being on a roller coaster that never stops. The only difference is, at least on a roller coaster, they have those reassuring signs that say, "You must be this tall to ride." On this boat, they should have a sign that says, "You must have a death wish to embark."
I asked the captain if the boat had a name. He said, "Yeah, it's called 'The Regret.'" I thought it was a joke until the waves started playing bumper cars with us. It was like being in a real-life game of Mario Kart, but instead of shells, we were dodging seagull droppings.
And don't even get me started on fishing. The only thing I caught was a sunburn. I felt like I was auditioning for a role in a sequel to "The Old Man and the Sea," but my sea legs were more like sea noodles.
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I recently discovered the most effective diet plan ever—take a trip on a small boat. I guarantee you'll lose weight faster than you can say "abandon ship." It's like a floating weight loss program. The constant rocking motion makes your body think it's in a perpetual workout. Forget about Zumba; just get yourself a tiny boat. The ocean becomes your personal trainer, and the waves are the ultimate ab workout. You'll have a six-pack by the time you get back to shore.
And the best part is the limited food options. On a small boat, you don't have room for a buffet. It's more like a snack-size adventure. You look at your tiny cooler and think, "Well, I guess I'm having a liquid diet today."
So, if you're tired of the gym and those trendy diets, just hop on a small boat. You might not catch many fish, but you'll definitely catch the attention of your bathroom scale when you get back home.
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You know, they say a boat is a romantic setting. I don't know who "they" are, but they've clearly never been on a small boat. I took my date on one of these vessels, thinking it would be all moonlit waves and love in the air. Instead, it was more like moonlit waves and panic in the air. I tried to be smooth, you know? I even did that classic move where you pretend to be knowledgeable about boats. I pointed at the engine and said, "Ah yes, the uh... propellor thingy." Smooth, right? But let's be honest, if the boat started sinking, my date wouldn't have been impressed with my propellor knowledge.
And then there's the seating situation. You either sit too close to your date and risk falling into the water, or you sit too far and have to scream your romantic revelations like you're auditioning for a Shakespearean play. "To boat or not to boat, that is the question!"
But hey, at least we'll have a great story to tell our grandkids. "Kids, let me tell you about the time your grandpa tried to impress your grandma on a small boat. Spoiler alert: it didn't work.
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Have you ever noticed how boats have these epic names? The "Titanic," the "Endeavour," the "Black Pearl." And then there's the boat I was on, a small, insignificant vessel that went by the name of "Bob's Dinghy." Yes, "Dinghy." It sounds like a name for a cartoon character, not a boat. I imagine the conversation went something like this: "What should we name the boat, Bob?" And Bob, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "Well, it's small, it's a boat, let's call it a Dinghy." Really Bob? That's the best you could come up with?
I mean, imagine being in a maritime emergency and having to call for help. "Mayday, mayday! This is the S.S. Bob's Dinghy. Send help, and maybe a bigger boat with a less embarrassing name.
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