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You guys remember Sarah Palin? Yeah, the woman who could see Russia from her house. I mean, I struggle to see my neighbor's WiFi signal, and she's over there checking out foreign countries. I always wondered, did she have a deal with her optometrist? "Give me those glasses that make everything look like an international crisis. I want to spot dictators from my porch." And imagine if she were your neighbor, you'd never borrow sugar from her. She'd be like, "Sure, but first, can you name the capital of Uzbekistan?"
And you know, she used to be the governor of Alaska. That's a tough job. Dealing with bears, moose, and figuring out how to heat your house with only the energy of your failed political career.
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Sarah Palin loves to talk about her love for hunting and the great outdoors. She's like the Crocodile Dundee of politics, but with a helicopter and a reality TV crew. I can picture her giving a wildlife tour: "And to your left, you'll see a majestic moose, and to your right, you'll see a potential running mate." And then there's the whole "I can see Russia from my house" thing. Really, Sarah? I can barely see my pizza delivery guy from my front door. Maybe her house has magical binoculars. "Oh look, Putin is doing shirtless horseback riding again. Someone get me my Facebook password, I need to update my status.
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Remember when Sarah Palin ran for vice president? Yeah, that was like casting a reality star for a Shakespearean play. She was like the surprise twist in a political season finale. You thought it was a serious drama, and then they throw in a character who winks at the camera. I love how she coined the term "maverick." I mean, what does that even mean? I think it's Alaskan for "I can see Russia." She was the maverick of word choices. "I'm a maverick, and I can see maverick things from my maverick house."
And don't even get me started on the Tina Fey impressions. Tina Fey did a better Sarah Palin than Sarah Palin did. It's like Sarah was trying to out-Palin Tina Fey's Palin. I'm waiting for the day Tina Fey runs for office just to see Sarah Palin impersonate her.
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Have you ever listened to Sarah Palin talk? It's like playing Scrabble with a dictionary in a hurricane. She has this unique talent for putting words together that have no business being in the same sentence. I feel like she's challenging the English language to a duel, and the English language is losing. She'll start with something like, "You know, folks, we need to drill for oil because freedom, and also, waffles are the currency of the future." I'm sitting there like, did she just declare brunch as the economic system of the United States?
And the way she says "you betcha." It's like a secret code. "Are you ready for the meeting?" "You betcha." Translation: "I have no idea what's happening, but I'm smiling through it.
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