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You ever notice how the Lone Ranger was never actually alone? I mean, he had Tonto by his side. If the guy's name is "Lone Ranger," shouldn't he be riding solo, just him and his trusty horse, discussing the meaning of life and the absurdity of silver bullets? And what's the deal with silver bullets anyway? Is there a werewolf epidemic we don't know about? Does Tonto carry a whole arsenal of precious-metal ammunition, just in case they stumble upon a supernatural creature during their adventures?
I can imagine the Lone Ranger going to a blacksmith and saying, "I need some bullets, but not just any bullets. I need them to be silver." The blacksmith must have thought he was dealing with a really fashion-forward cowboy. "Is this a Wild West thing, or are you just trying to accessorize your six-shooter?"
But seriously, I want to see the Lone Ranger dealing with everyday problems. Like, what if his horse ran away? Does he put up "Missing" posters around the desert? "Last seen: Silver, the horse. Answers to neighing and the name 'Hey, you.'
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Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk about rangers. Not the ones you find at the park, but those rugged outdoorsy types. You know, the ones who spend more time in the wilderness than I spend trying to find matching socks. I recently went on a camping trip, and there was this ranger who seemed to know the forest like the back of his hand. He's pointing out trees, talking about wildlife, and I'm just trying to figure out how to set up my tent without looking like I'm auditioning for a role in a slapstick comedy.
So, the ranger says, "Watch out for bears." Bears? Really? I can barely handle a spider in my living room, and you want me to be on the lookout for Yogi and Boo-Boo? I thought I signed up for a nature walk, not a wildlife version of Survivor.
And don't get me started on those ranger hats. I mean, are they trying to protect themselves from falling pinecones? Are they expecting a low-flying bird to mistake their head for a landing strip? I just can't take someone seriously when they're rocking a hat that's two sizes too big.
I asked the ranger about it, and he said it's for protection. Protection from what? A surprise game of Whac-A-Mole with woodland creatures? I swear, these rangers are a special breed.
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So, I heard Ranger Rick is holding auditions for a new sidekick. I'm thinking of applying. I mean, I'm great at navigating Netflix, and I once befriended a cat that wasn't mine. I can see the job description now: "Must be willing to talk to animals, survive in the wild, and know how to make a decent s'more." I'm like, "Hold up, I can do two out of three. Does making a decent microwave popcorn count?"
And what kind of animals are we talking about here? If I encounter a bear, I'm not negotiating with it; I'm challenging it to a game of rock-paper-scissors and hoping it's a sore loser.
But seriously, being a ranger's sidekick sounds like a blast. You get to wear cool hats, explore the great outdoors, and occasionally save the day. As long as I don't have to wear spandex and a cape, I'm in. I'll be the Robin to Ranger Rick's Batman. Just call me "The S'more Crusader.
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Who remembers Ranger Rick? That guy was like the Crocodile Dundee of the animal kingdom. He could talk to squirrels and negotiate with raccoons. Meanwhile, I'm over here trying to shoo away pigeons in the city, and they look at me like, "Dude, chill. We're just trying to enjoy some french fries." I swear, Ranger Rick had the best job. He got paid to hang out with animals and educate kids about nature. I wanted to be him when I grew up. But instead, I'm here, making jokes about rangers. Life is funny that way.
I bet if you asked Ranger Rick for relationship advice, he'd tell you to communicate like a prairie dog. "Just stand on a hill and give each other meaningful looks. It worked for me and Mrs. Rick."
And you know he had a catchphrase. Every superhero or nature enthusiast needs one. I can imagine him releasing an eagle into the sky and saying, "Fly free, my feathery friend! And remember, always recycle!" I bet that eagle just rolled its eyes and thought, "I'm a bird, not an environmental activist.
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