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Shopping with my boyfriend is like participating in a reality show called "Surviving the Mall." He follows me around with the enthusiasm of a sloth on sedatives. I asked him to help me pick out a dress, and he said, "Why don't you just wear the one you have?" I swear, if eye-rolling burned calories, I'd be supermodel skinny by now. But the real challenge is when we go grocery shopping. I asked him to grab some tampons, and he came back with a pack of diapers. I don't know if he was confused or trying to send a subtle message about his expectations, but I just stood there wondering if I should laugh or start a parenting class.
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Hey, everyone! So, my boyfriend, let's talk about him. You know, they say love is blind, but I think it's also deaf, dumb, and probably has a really bad sense of smell. I asked him the other day, "Honey, do I look fat in this dress?" And he goes, "Of course not, babe, it's the dress that's fat!" Now, I don't know if he was trying to be funny or if he needs glasses, but either way, I'm questioning his judgment.
And then there's the classic debate in every relationship – the toilet seat argument. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. I told him, "Babe, it's not that hard, just put it down when you're done." He looked at me and said, "Well, you could just look before you sit." Touche, boyfriend, touche.
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Let's talk about technology. My boyfriend is a bit technologically challenged. I handed him my phone to take a picture, and he was swiping left and right like he was on a dating app. I'm like, "Honey, it's a camera, not Tinder!" And texting? Oh boy. I received a text from him the other day that said, "I'll BRB, LOL." I'm sitting there, thinking, "Are you really 'laughing out loud' if you'll 'be right back'?" I think he's inventing a new language.
But the best part is when he tries to fix things around the house. I asked him to change a light bulb, and he said, "Sure, where's the app for that?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
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Who here loves a man who can cook? Well, my boyfriend thinks he's a culinary genius. He decided to surprise me with breakfast in bed. Sweet, right? Well, it would have been if it wasn't for the fact that he tried to make pancakes without the recipe and ended up with something that resembled a frisbee. And don't get me started on the time he tried to impress me with his grilling skills. He proudly served me a steak that was so well-done it could have been mistaken for a hockey puck. I asked him if he was trying to recreate the invention of fire or preparing dinner.
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